Two men were driving through the Lone Star state when they were pulled over. The state trooper tapped on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolled it down and "WHACK", the trooper smacked him in the head with the stick.
The driver said, "What the heck was that for?"
The trooper replied, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver said, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper ran a check on the guy's license then returned it. Next, he walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window. The passenger rolled it down, and "WHACK", the trooper smacked him too.
The passenger said, "What did you do that for?"
The trooper said, "Just making your wish come true."
"Huh?" said the passenger.
The trooper said, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that bull with me."
In a crowded city, at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
A Texan was downtown when he noticed the aroma of roasting nuts. He looked up to find himself in front of a "Nut Shop." He entered and asked
"How much are the pecans?" The clerk answered "$3.25 a pound." "Gosh! $3.25 a pound for pecans! Golly! How much for the almonds?" "$2.95, sir." answered the clerk.
"$2.95 a pound? Wow! So how much are the peanuts?" "The peanuts are $2.50 a pound, sir."
The customer looks closely in the clerk's face and asked
"What is the dent in your chin, Sir?" "Why, it is dimple, of course, sir." "Oh" was the reply.
"Since your nuts are so high, I figured it must be your navel!"
The big Texas cowboy is on an airplane flying back from London. His seatmate is a proper, stuffy English woman. When the flight attendant offered drinks, she launched into a dialogue about proper English tea. "We have three kinds of tea, you know. First there is green tea which is mostly aroma and some substance. Second there is Darjeeling which is aroma and some substance. And finally, there is the Queen's tea which is preferred." "Well, I declare" drawls Tex. "We have three kinds of tea in Texas as well. First there is F A R T which is mostly aroma and very little substance. Second there is S H I T which has both aroma and substance.
And finally we have C U N T which is preferred."
Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister." "Well" his buddy replied, "between you and me we got'em all."
Three young men were on a trip deep in South America when they ran afoul of a native tribe who sentenced them to death by guillotine. When the first was placed under the blade, it fell then stopped just short. The chief excitedly declared this to be divine intervention and freed the prisoner. The same happened to victim number two and again the astounded chief felt that it must have been the work of the gods so the second victim was set free. Now for victim number three (who we heard was an aggie).
He proclaimed loudly "Just hold on a damn minute. I'm not putting my neck in that damn thing until you get it fixed!"
Did you hear about the Aggie who couldn't spell and spent a lonesome night at the warehouse?
A ham radio buff driving to College Station picked up a lovely Maggie (female Aggie for foreign readers....) When she asked about all the radio equipment in the back seat, the driver explained that with that equipment anyone could speak to anyone anywhere in the world! "Anyone Anywhere? My Mother in Tyler?" she asked. "Why yes" he replied.
"You just have to do this little thing first" whereupon he unzips and she assumes the position, and speaks into the 'mike' in her hand "Mother? Mother? Is that you?"
In College Station, an Aggie police officer found a man drowned in a bathtub of milk, cornflakes and bananas. "This man is a victim of a cereal killer" he proclaimed.
Three aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Texas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness" said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young woman from Baylor. "Elation" she said. "And you, sir" he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
One day an African, Mexican and Aggie were sitting on an eighteen story building. They each opened their lunches and the Mexican said "Ah, I hate tacos, if I get tacos one more time, I'm gonna jump." Then the African opened his lunch and said "Ah, I hate chips! If I get chips one more time, I'm gonna jump." The same thing happens to the Aggie, except it is peanut butter and jelly. The next day, the African jumps because there are chips in his lunch. The Mexican also jumps because there are tacos in his lunch. Then the Aggie jumps because there is peanut butter and jelly in his lunch. At the funerals, the Mexican and African's wife said "If I had known that he didn't like that stuff, I wouldn't have packed it."
The Aggie's wife, however, said "I don't get it, he packed his own lunch."
How can you tell an Aggie is on location at a drilling rig?
He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
Two Aggie builders were working on a house. One was on a ladder nailing. He would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other Aggie couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first Aggie explained "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If its pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second Aggie got real excited and called him all sorts of names, explaining "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
A testy rough lookin' lil cowboy rides in from a long time on the trail, parks his hoss and meanders into the bar. He dusts off his hat and downs a couple of beers. When he leaves, he finds that someone has painted a wide yellow circle around his hoss's ass! He turns into a war machine and storms back into the bar, grabbing for his six-shooter and shouts "Now just who the hell painted a circle on my hoss's ass?"
Everyone drew back except for a six foot six, mean looking hombre who answered "I did. What of it?"
"Ohh…" came the meek reply, "I just wanted to let you know the first coat was dry."
A young man in the old west wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. He practiced every day, but he knew he was missing something that would make him the best. One night, as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man that had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his time. So he went over to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help".
"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower on your leg".
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Definitely" said the old man.
The young gunman did as he was told, then in a flash he drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"Wow, that really helped, do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you notch the bottom of your holster, the gun will come out smoother".
The young man did as he was told, drew his gun in a blur and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping, is there anything else?" "One more thing", said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease off the bar and rub it all over your gun."
The young man didn't hesitate but started rubbing the grease only on the barrel of the gun.
"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
Two boyhood friends grew up and went to college. After one graduated from UT and the other from Texas A&M, both went to work for the same construction company. The Aggie discovered that his pal was a crew boss making a lot more money. He asked his friend "How can this be? We grew up doing all the same things - we made the same grades and we dated the same girls. How come you are the boss and I am just a common laborer?"
His teasip friend answered "OK, how about I give you an example?" and they walked toward a large tree. The teasip spread his hand against the trunk and told the Aggie "Make a fist and hit my hand as hard as you can." The Aggie drew back and aimed to bust the hand which, of course, was pulled away at the last minute. The Aggie creamed his fist and hollered "Ow!" The teasip said "Now do you understand why I'm the boss?" "I guess so" said the Aggie.
Later, another worker asked the Aggie why he had been having a serious conversation with the boss.
Placing his hand in front of his face, the Aggie answered "Its like this. See my hand? Hit it as hard as you can with your fist."
An old Texas cowboy ordered a drink. As he sipped his whisky, a young lady sat next to him and asked "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am. What about you?"
She replied "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything seems to make me think of women."
Later, a couple sat next to the old cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
A bunch of Indians capture a Texan cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says, "You going to die, cowboy. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other figuring "Typical white thinks only with short bow."
The second day, the chief asks "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. Again, the Indians shake their heads figuring, "Typical white man, going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
On the last day, and the chief says "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
Mattie was an old ranching woman, living alone for years. The old ranch place had little or no improvements and no inside plumbing. She observed her privy from her kitchen table and decided that it definitely needed replacing - its typical moon-shaped window door was leaning mightily. She had seen an ad in the monthly ranching magazine offering excellent guaranteed privy construction, so Mattie called and made an immediate appointment. Good as their ad, the crew was there the next day and built a proper two-holer. Within two weeks, Mattie observed a problem with her new privy and called. "Of course, we do stand by our work, Madam. We will have our privy inspector at your place at 8:00 am in the morning."
When he arrived, Mattie is a little surprised at his dapper appearance -derby hat, cane, little van dyke beard. She shook his hand and started to explain the problem but he quickly hushed her stating "No, no Madam! I am a professional privy inspector and I can't have my opinion influenced by a layperson. I will tell you what is wrong and how it will be corrected." He immediately took out his square, measured the corners, etc. Then he went inside, removed his hat and poked his head into one of the two holes, looked around, then proceeded to examine the second hole.
It happened that there was a small crack in the wooden seat and, of course, his natty van dyke caught a few hairs in it, whereupon he let out a long "Ouchee!" Mattie calmly observed, "Aggravatin, ain't it?"