The young man was golfing and lo and behold, he hit a hole-in-one. As he reached to reclaim his ball - poof! Up jumped a genie.
"Oh My!" The golfer exclaimed.
"Oh yes, I am the genie of the hole-in-one. I'm here to grant you either a year of perfect golf or a year of perfect sex. What is your choice?"

"Oh gosh - I'll take the golf, wow!"
So as good as his word, the genie made the guy a great golfer, and as the year came to an end, lo and behold he hit another hole-in-one. Again as he reached for the ball, out popped the same genie.
"Oh its you again" said the genie. "Well I'll make you the same deal - either perfect golf or perfect sex. Which is it this time?"

"Oh I'll take another year of golf please" said the golfer.

"My God, two times you choose golf over sex. What kind of a sex life do you have anyway" asked the genie.
"Well, uh, probably once a month or so"
The genie exploded "What's wrong with you - that's no sex life to brag about."

The golfer said in his most dignified voice
"Well its not bad for a priest in a small town."

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

The NFL announced today in a press conference that one team from the league needed to be eliminated. What officials have decided to do is combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS...They're only good for one period and have no second string.

In the great game of bridge as in sex, if you have a weak partner, you must have a good hand.

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked shy she left her last employment, she replied,

"Yes they paid well but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in refreshments, I heard a man say "
Lay down and let's see what you've got." Another man said,

"I got strength but no length"' and another man said to a lady

"Take your hand off my trick." I almost dropped dead when the lady answered

"You forced me - you jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. Then two other ladies were talking and one said
'Now its time for me to play with your husband you can play with mine."

"Well, I got my hat and started to leave when one of them said,
"Well, we have to go home now. This is the last rubber."

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said
"Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on"
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on seven; you're on six". He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again, kind of embarrassed.
"I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on?"
She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished, he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales"
He replied "No kidding? So am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. After he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.
She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

A honeymooning couple was about to consummate their marriage, when the bride said "I'm not a virgin." "The husband replied, "That's no big thing in this day and age, but who was he?" "Tiger Woods." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome - I understand." The husband and wife then made passionate love. Afterward, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" the wife asked. "I'm hungry" he said "I was going to call room service for something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband put down the phone and went back to bed to make love again, then he went to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asked. "I'm still hungry so I was calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "And just what would Tiger do this time?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again."The guy slammed down the phone, went back to bed, and made love one more time. When they finished, he dragged himself to the phone and started to dial.
he asked "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole."

Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company but when he arrives he realizes that the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat ten rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies "they're all at the funeral."

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

Four golfers were discussing their sons. "My son" says one "is a very successful home builder. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own construction firm. In fact, last year he was able to give a good friend a new home as a gift."
The second man boasted that his son began as a car salesman and now owns a dealership. "He's so successful, that he gave a friend a new car as a gift."
The third man's son had worked his way up in a stock brokerage and had recently given a friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

When the fourth man arrived, they asked about his son. "Truthfully, I'm not pleased. For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser and I've just learned that he's a homosexual. But, on the bright side, his last three boyfriends have given him a new house, a car, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Two old friends were huge baseball fans who went to 60 games a year. They even promised each other that whoever died first would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven. One died in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game then returned to earth to see his friend. "Is it really you?"

"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you about heaven. The good news is there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is you're pitching tomorrow night."

A nun was chatting with her Mother Superior "I used some horrible language this week and I feel terrible." "When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother, after that a squirrel grabbed my ball in its mouth and ran away." "Is that when you swore?" Mother Superior asked again. "Well, no" replied the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle grabbed the squirrel and flew away!" "Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

Do you know what the difference is between a mad psycho serial-killer and a bridge partner?
You can reason with the serial killer.

People with small minds talk about other people.
People with ordinary minds talk about events.
People with great minds talk about ideas.
People with warped minds talk about bridge hands.

Learning she was going to have twins, the bridge playing wife said, "That's just like my husband doubling me when I'm vulnerable."

We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I was doing.

You know you're in trouble when the first thing the opponents decide to do is draw trumps, and you're the declarer.

They were at a concert. Said she, a bridge addict, "What's that book the conductor keeps looking at?" "That's the score," answered her escort. "Oh. Who's vulnerable??"

Bridge is a great comfort in your old age. It helps you get there faster.

A contestant in a tournament suddenly slumped down in his chair, victim of what seemed like a seizure or fit of some kind. A doctor was hastily summoned. He took the stricken man's pulse and noted that is was steady and firm. Obviously it was no heart attack. From the victim's white face and clammy hands the doctor surmised that this was a case of shock. A bridge player himself, he picked up the victim's cards and studied them. He then turned to the others at the table. "Now, let me have a review of the bidding" he requested.

There once was a player from Beirut
Who thought he would try to be cute
He overcalled a spade
And died as he played
The post-mortem: a four card suit.

Overheard at the bridge club:
We had a 75 percent game last night! Three out of four opponents thought we were idiots.

There are three kinds of bridge players
l. Those who can count, and
2. Those who can't.

Want to be an expert?
Rule one - Never take a finesse to make your contract when you can go down on a squeeze play!

Did you ever notice that experts avoid the use of Blackwood, and novices use Blackwood with a void.

Joe knows nothing about the game. His wife plays twice as well.

A well-balanced player makes up for his inadequacy in the bidding with his ineptitude in the play.

Speaking of morons:
Did you hear about the guy who wanted to learn bridge in one day? He bought 35 copies of "Five weeks to Winning Bridge"

Did you know?
43.6 percent of all slam contracts fail.
62.7 percent of all bridge players are women.
97.8 percent of all bridge statistics, including these, are made up.

Sorry partner, I woulda led my singleton. But I couldn't find it -- it was so small.
Too bad, pard. That was an unlucky grand slam.
The ace of trumps was off side.