A grade school teacher had told her class to prepare a sentence using the word 'fascinate.' Little Mary's sentence was "I went shopping with my mother and I was fascinated by the many colors of the clothes." "Very good, Mary, but you used the wrong form of the word." "Sam, do you have a sentence?" "Yes mam, My dad and I went to the museum and I was fascinated by the rocket display." "Again a good sentence, but the wrong form of fascinate." She looked around the class for more hands and saw only Little Johnny, always a problem. She takes a deep breath and calls upon him. "Johnny, have you a sentence?"

Johnny answered "Yes mam. My sister has a very pretty sweater and it has ten buttons but her tits are so big, she can only fascinate."

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

The teacher is questioning her new class on names. One little boy says "My name is Stumpy, Teacher." Teacher tells him she must have his real name, not his nick name and he repeats "Stumpy." Teacher is provoked and says, "Very well! If you insist on not telling me your proper name, I will be forced to send you to the principal's office."

Stumpy turns to his little brother and says, "Come on, Shitty, she aint going to believe you neither."

A little Jewish boy was doing very poorly in school, especially math. So, after much deliberation, his father sent him to a catholic school with a reputation for excellence. On the little boy's very first report card, he got all A's. His dad was mystified and he asked his son how he was doing so well.

His son replied "Well, I really knew that they meant business the very first day of school when I walked into that room and they had that guy nailed to the plus sign."

One day, Mom was cleaning Junior's room when she found an S&M magazine. She was upset and hid it until her husband got home. She gave the magazine to her husband who looked at it and handed it back without a word. She asked " Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

A high school teacher reminded her class that there would be no excuse for missing tomorrow's final exam. The only exceptions were serious injury, illness, or death in the family. When a smart-ass asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" the entire class broke out in loud laughter.

After silence was restored, she smiled sympathetically, shook her head, and said sweetly, "Not an excuse. Write with your other hand!"

Three former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. Their biggest hurdle was the teacher's insistence on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words" she would always remind them.
She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana" "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Joey what he had done and Joey replied "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
The teacher said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!"
Then she asked Eddie what he had done and Eddie said "I read a book." "That's wonderful! What book did you read?"

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said "Winnie The Shit."

On graduation day at the very high-toned Sophie Newcomb college, Madame President announced the prestigious Good Citizen award. "This years honor is bestowed upon Mary Sue Charles who is going to recite a poem."
A voice from the back shouted "Mary Sue Charles SUCKS!"

After a slight pause, Madame president continued "Nevertheless, Mary Sue Charles will now recite Trees."

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two women of dubious character"

Mrs. Jones was teaching her third graders about meanings and object lessons. She first called upon Mary who explained "I was helping my mother gather eggs and I put them all in one basket, and on my way out of the chicken house I fell and they all broke." "Oh, too bad and what lesson did you learn, Mary?" "Don't put all your eggs is one basket, teacher." "Excellent, Mary." "George, do you have anything to contribute?" "Well, our old Mother hen was sitting on ten eggs and we expected ten baby chicks but only eight hatched." "And did you learn something from this, George?" "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." "Thank you, George" the teacher answered. Now she looked around the class and the only hand still up was little Johnny, always trouble.
"OK Johnny" she said, prepared for the worst.
"Mrs. Jones, my uncle Henry was an airline pilot. And when he was flying, he would take a bottle of scotch, a 45 pistol and an Uzi. He crash-landed and then he shot two people with the pistol and mowed down three more with the Uzi and choked a couple with his bare hands." "My God, what is the lesson there, Johnny?"

Johnny answered "You don't mess with my uncle Henry when he's drinking."

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

More Little Johnny
A teacher asks her class "If there are five birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?"
She calls on little Johnny who replies "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

To which Little Johnny replied "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Math Class
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic."
Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

English
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"
Miss Rogers: "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

Grammar
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Beautiful
During an English lesson the teacher asked who could use the word "beautiful" twice in one sentence. First she called on little Suzie who responded "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night at dinner my sister told my father that she was pregnant and he said

'Beautiful, ......just fucking beautiful!'"

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a taxi and the driver says "How are you on this lovely day?" "I'm the Class of 2000 just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says

"Congratulations! I'm Mitch, Class of 1949."

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me" responded the underclassman, "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth. "Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work, and greeted him with, "I know the whole truth." Tommy's father promptly handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw the mailman at his front door. Little
Tommy greeted him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a big hug."