Two young Houston businessmen, Jack and Sam, were without jobs and decided to do a little market research to determine just what was missing. They decided that Houston did not have a good sex paraphernalia shop so they located a nice place in the Montrose area. Sam was arranging inventory in the back and Jack was the salesman in the front. They opened for business and their first customer, a woman, walked in muttering something. Jack addressed her
"Madam, I can't understand what you are saying." More mumbling and Jack finally understood her to say
"I'm interested in your dildos."
"Oh fine, Madam, here we have the large model for twenty dollars and the small one is ten." She made her purchase and left and in came another woman. The same scene ensued.
"Madam, I can't hear you, please speak up." Again the woman mumbled that she was interested in a dildo.
"Fine" said Jack who went through the drill. Next came a good-looking woman who clearly announced that she wanted a dildo. Jack gave her his spiel. She looked over the inventory and stated
"I'll take the plaid one" to which Jack said
"The plaid one is not for sale." She was determined and got belligerent stating
"Look Buster, I got my courage up to come here, I have the money and I'll have the plaid one."
"OK" shouts Jack "Its $100" and he made the sale.
Presently, Sam emerged from the back and asked "What's going on?" Jack answered "I sold two large dildos and your thermos."
Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.
Charley, a young salesman, was very down on his luck. He was so depressed, he even slept late, putting off going to his office. But suddenly, the phone rang. His secretary said, "Charley, the call you have been waiting for so long just came in. I took the liberty of making a 2:30 appointment for you at his office." "Oh great" said the now wide awake Charley. "Maybe this is my lucky day." So he quickly showered, shaved and put on his best suit just back from the cleaners. "Boy it is my lucky day." He had enough time to stop for a donut and coffee and review his presentation. Sure that it is his lucky day, his confidence soared. He drove to his customer's building to find a parking place right in front "Got to be another good sign." As he observed the building, he notices a beautiful woman watching him from a third floor window. "Look!" she motioned him to come on up with the universal sign so he counts up and across and determines her room. Sure enough, he is early enough to drop in for a few minutes. He takes the elevator to the third floor and gets off. He looks to the right and there she is, her beautiful arm and hand beckoning him from her open door. He rushed down, muttering "This is my lucky day." Walking in to the room of this beautiful young woman dressed only in a negligee….
"Come right in" she murmurs. "She opens her hand and says "Just put it right here, big boy."
Charley quickly unzips and complies with her marvelous request, whereupon she repeatedly slaps the shit out of his dick with her other hand, shouting "Don't you ever park in my parking place again!"
Click here to hear Dottie tells this joke.
A salesman boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
Whoa !!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's Your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she says "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really" he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well" she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry" she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto" the man says as he extends his hand. "Tonto Goldstein."
Joe, the salesman, meets a lovely young woman Lola, at a sales meeting and they hit it off just great and spend a lot of time together during the next few days, mostly in the bed. Two months later Joe gets a phone call from Lola who says "Joe, this is Lola. I met you at the convention and we had some good times together. Do you remember me?"
Of course Joe did not remember any Lola, so she tried to remind him of things they did together.
"You said I was a really good sport.. Surely you remember!" She got a little frantic as Joe still doesn't recall. Lola blurts out
"Well, I'm calling because you got me pregnant, and I'm going to kill myself!"
Joe responds with "By God - you are a good sport!"
A quick-witted boy (who grew up to be a salesman) worked in a supermarket produce section. One day a man came asked to buy a half a head of lettuce. The boy said that they only sold whole heads but the man insisted. The boy said that he would ask his manager. He walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him. So he added,
"And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called the boy in and said,
"You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say that I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager. "My wife is from Minnesota!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
By the time the salesman pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy" admitted the manager "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem" the tired salesman assured him" I'll take it." The next morning he came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the salesman.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room" he explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me."
A salesman is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry" the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom. The couple have a wild passionate night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.
"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet." "No" she replies.
"You just happened to catch my eye."
You have no doubt heard about the salesman with car problems who hiked to the nearest farm house where the farmer had only one extra room and a daughter who slept there. The farmer had a generous nature and allowed the salesman to sleep there but insisted upon hanging a sheet between the salesman and his daughter. Nature won out and, sure enough, nine months later an exceedingly fine baby was born, having been strained through a sheet.
Bill the traveling salesman ended up in Little Rabbit, Texas on a busy Wednesday and was lucky to find a room. He freshened up and went to the little bar. After his first relaxer, he glanced around and saw very few people - no single women. He asked John the barkeep if any available women are left. John reminded him that it was rather late, especially for a Wednesday. Bill spied a woman alone at the dark end of the bar and he whispered to the barkeep "John, there is a woman here - what's the deal?" "Oh Bill, you mean old crazy Sadie? She's the town loon. Nobody but nobody has anything to do with her. She's crazy, really." "Well, its late and I'm lonely so I'm game. Fix us a couple of drinks."
Bill carried them to the end of the bar and approached Sadie with "Hello there, have I seen you here before?" After more drinks and similarly clever conversation, he got to the question of the evening.
She said firmly "No, I couldn't go to your hotel room because you would laugh."
Earnestly, Bill assured her that he would not laugh. She restated "No I'm sure you would laugh." "Oh Sadie, I promise, Scout's honor, I absolutely would never never laugh at you." So Sadie agreed and up they went. First thing, Sadie unbuttoned her blouse and her slip strap fell revealing that her boobs were uneven on her body. Bill did a double take but recovered immediately. She unzipped her skirt and when it fell to the floor, he couldn't help but notice that her navel was off center. He almost snickered, but caught himself. Next, Sadie turned her back and stepped out of her panties revealing that her crack was not up and down but crossways. Well, that was too much for Bill who fell across the bed laughing loudly.
Sadie storms at him "You sorry son-of-a-bitch! You promised you wouldn't laugh!"
She lifted her bent elbow high in the air shouting "Piss on you!"
A salesman from out of town stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
A boy (who must have grown up to be a salesman) and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
A lady is shopping for ice cream, precisely chocolate ice cream. When she can't locate chocolate ice cream, she asks for assistance from the sales manager. He tells her that he is sorry but the store is temporarily out of chocolate. The lady comments, "Oh, well, then I'll take some chocolate." The manager is a bit puzzled, but repeats himself with
"Lady, I am sorry but we are out of chocolate at this time." The lady smiles sweetly and says,
"OK then I will just take some chocolate ice cream." The manager is getting pretty steamed and figures he is dealing with a moron, customer or not, so he quietly approached her again.
"Lady, do you know the letter A as in apple?" "Yes" the lady replied.
"And B as in boy?" he asked again.
"Yes" replied the lady.
"And D as in dog and E as in eat, and F as in chocolate?" the manager asked. Quickly the lady corrected him with
"There is no F in chocolate!"
"That is what I have been trying to tell you, Lady! There is no F N Chocolate!"
St. Peter greeted Bill Gates at the Pearly Gates and began to show him around. Bill saw a lot of people sitting on clouds playing harps and it looked pretty boring so he glanced downward. There he saw a balmy beach with gently lapping waves and warm breezes. When a beautiful topless bimbo strolled into view, Bill made up his mind. "St Peter, if its all the same to you, I would rather spend eternity down there."
Some time later, the Devil came by check on his famous new arrival and was satisfied to find him being tortured by demons and screaming "This is horrible - where is the beautiful beach and the topless bimbos?"
The Devil looked at him and said "Oh Bill, that was just our screen saver."
A man (formerly a salesman) flying in a hot air balloon realizes that he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a girl in a field down below. He lowers the balloon and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The girl in the field says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field." "You must be an assistant" replies the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?" "Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The girl below retorts, "You must be in management." "Well, I am, but how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee appeared from nowhere. The driver, a young man in an expensive suit and Ray Ban sunglasses leaned out and asked
"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the yuppie, then at his flock and calmly answered "Sure."
The yuppie whipped out his notebook, connected it to a cell-phone, surfed to a NASA web page where he called up a satellite, scanned the area, opened a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he printed out a 150 page report on his miniaturized printer. He turned to our shepherd and said "You have exactly 1,586 sheep." "This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep" the shepherd said. He watched the young man make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee. Then he said "If I can tell you what your business is, will you give my sheep back?" "Okay, why not" was the answer.
"You are a consultant" said the shepherd.
"This is correct," said the yuppie, "How did you guess?"
"Easy" answered the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for an answer I already knew and you don't know anything about my business. You took my dog."
Harry and Sam were discussing the fact that their lives seemed to have hit a lull, and Harry decided it might be beneficial if he went back to school for some 'continuing adult education' he kept hearing about. He got himself to the local college and one of the professors suggested a semester or two on subjects such as Math, or maybe History, or even Logic. Harry asked what was covered in a Logic class, and the professor explained that it was conceptual, Logic being a study that would lead to certain conclusions. Harry scratched his head and asked for an example. "Sure" answered the professor. "A question: Do you have a weed eater?" "Yes" answered Harry. "I'll bet you have a yard, a home and children." "Right again, Prof!" answered Harry. "Then I conclude logically that you are married, a heterosexual man." "Exactly, Professor! This is great!" cried Harry. So he signed up for the class and rejoined Sam explaining what he had just learned. When Sam asked what exactly was
Logic, Harry replied "It's like this: Do you have a weed eater?" "No, I don't" answered Sam. "Well, logically, you're a queer."
Click here to hear Dottie tell this one.
A female computer consultant was helping a smug male salesman set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a log in password. To embarrass her, he said PENIS. Without blinking she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.
From Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director To Everyone
Re Christmas Party
Date December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols.-.feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
From Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director To Everyone
Date December 2
Re Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
From Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director To Everyone
Date December 3
Re Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
From Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director To Everyone
Date December 7
Re Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party--the days are so short this time of year--or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
From Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director To Everyone
Date December 8
Re Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
From Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director To Everyone
Date December 9
Re Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan" there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
From Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director To Everyone
Date December 10
Re Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep his party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death" as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream! I'm hearing them scream right now!
From Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director To Everyone
Date December 14
Re Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise" he moaned "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse" she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an asshole" John said. "Piss on him." "You did" came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Two sales managers reviewing their budget conclude that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane. It is a difficult decision but one manager finally decides that they will lay off the first person who gets up from their desk. Jane is working so hard that she gets a headache. She takes some aspirin from her desk drawer then gets up to get some water. One of the managers approaches her.
Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..."
Jane: "Well, jack-off. I've got a headache."
A restaurant customer noticed that all the waiters carried spoons in their shirt pockets. He asked his waiter "Why the spoon?" "Well, the owners hired efficiency experts to streamline our work. After months of analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents an approximate drop frequency of three spoons per table per hour. If personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, trips to the kitchen are reduced and we save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
At that moment, a metallic sound was heard and the waiter quickly replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket. As the waiter took his order, the customer noticed a string hanging out of the flies of all the waiters' pants. The customer asked "Excuse me, but why you have that string in your fly?" The waiter lowered his voice "The consulting firm also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." "Okay, so the string helps you get it out, but how do you put it back in?"
"Well" he whispered "I don't know how the others do it, but I use the spoon."
At Microsoft, an unemployed man was hired to be a janitor at minimum wage. He was told "We need to email some forms to you." When the man said that he had neither a computer nor e-mail, he was told "Someone like you can hardly expect to be employed." The stunned man left and used his last ten dollars to buy a flat of tomatoes. Within a short time, he sold them all at a substantial profit. Repeating the process, he ended up with almost $100 by the end of the day. After a short time, he bought a cart to carry several dozen tomato crates and then a pick-up truck. By the end of the second year, he was the owner of a fleet of trucks and the manager of a hundred formerly unemployed people. During a business conference, he was asked for his e-mail address. Shocked to hear that the now wealthy vendor had no email, his colleague asked "How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been on line!" The tomato millionaire replied "I would be a janitor at Microsoft!"
Moral:
a. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
b. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
c. Seeing that you got this story online, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
d. If you have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts, the funny thing is, it really works:
Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. No one but you knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is crystal clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under water.