The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale Ph.D. candidate and a redneck from Alabama. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the mike and said:
"Slowly 'cross the desert sand Trekk'd a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two, Destination: Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy. No way the redneck could top that, they thought. However, the redneck calmly took his place on the stage and recited:
"Me and Tim
A-huntin' went
Met three whores In a pop-up tent
They was three And we was two
So I bucked one, And Timbuktu."
The redneck won hands-down.
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary.
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it have been called a teethbrush.
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout whot?"
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
A new law recently passed in Arkansas:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? I-40.
Two Arkansawyers are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens," replies Bubba. "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
What do a divorce in Louisiana , a tornado in Arkansas, and a hurricane in Mississippi have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth.
Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
General
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home
Dining Out
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Entertaining in your home
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive.
Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
The redneck ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town for a month, he decided to test it on himself first. So he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and........everything else was automatic! Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over he realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual, he tried every button on the instrument, but no success. Finally the farmer called the customer hot line. "Hello I just bought a milking machine which works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry" replied the service rep "the machine is programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk."
Things You Can't Say with Hallmark
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost life like!
"I knew the day would come when he would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas and Oklahoma)
A redneck family visiting the city went to a mall for the first time. While the mother shopped, the father and son looked at the sights. They were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that moved apart and then back together. The boy asked "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I ain't got no idea'r. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life."
While the boy and his father were watching, a fat old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up and a young, gorgeous, voluptuous blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the beautiful woman, said quietly
"Boy, go git yore Momma…"
The Straight Dope On Food and Exercise
Q: Will cardiovascular exercise prolong life?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they're not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the only reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Sorry... Can't think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Susie Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
she told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie Gal,
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' maw don't know,
but Joe is yo' half-brother."
So Susie forgot about her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But, after telling Pappy this,
he said, "There's trouble still.
You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half-brother."
But Mama knew and said "Honey Child,
Do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy!"
After the birth of their tenth child, an Arkansas couple decided that enough was enough. The husband went to the doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want any more children, and he asked what could the doctor do to help. The doctor smiled, told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can and light the fuse, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten. The man relayed this story to his wife, and shaking his head in doubt said, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help!" His wife agreed, and they drove to Missouri together for a second opinion. Surprisingly enough, when they told the second doctor why they'd come, he asked them where they were from, and then told them to buy a cherry bomb, put it in a can, light the fuse, and for the husband to hold it next to his ear and count to ten. Deciding that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the couple went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can.
The husband held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and counted on his other hand: "6, 7, 8..."