Many of the jokes we enjoy the most are very old. I have a theory, shared I believe with other story tellers that there are only six or seven premises for a joke. The verbs, nouns and locales are simply changed to reflect what is topical. When I first heard the story below, it involved our wonderful native species Lady Bird Johnson and her physique with the "butt" (pardon me) being Lyndon. Lately it has resurfaced starring Hilary Rodham and her weight distribution featuring Bad Boy Bill as the dumpee.
President Lyndon Johnson returned home to the ranch and discovered Lady Bird completely nude admiring herself in a full length mirror. "What in the hell are you doing?" he shouted. "I was just at the Doctor's office for my physical and he said that I had the body of a twenty year old." "Ha" exclaimed Lyndon "and what did he say about your big ass?"
"Your name was never brought up" Lady Bird replied.
Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.
Bill Clinton arrives in Hell on Judgment Day. The devil personally takes him for a tour of the first floor of hell. First he sees Ken Starr being stretched on a rack. The next room has Linda Tripp hollering and jumping up and down on a bed of hot coals. In the third room, Trent Lott was getting a blow job from Monica. The devil asks which punishment he chooses, so of course Bill chose room three, Monica's blow job.
The devil then calls to Monica "Your replacement is here - take off."
Hilary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls the White House, gets Bill on the phone, and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
Can you imagine working at the following Company? Its more than 500 employees have the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving.
It's the 535 members of your United States Congress.
The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
One day George W. Bush sees what looks to be a biblical patriarch - robe, long beard and two stone tablets. It had to be Moses, so George approached and asked politely "Excuse me, sir, but are you Moses? I would like to confer with a wise lawgiver such as yourself."
Moses ignored him completely.
Not easily discouraged, George tried another approach "Excuse me, Moses, I am George Bush, front runner to become the next president of the most powerful nation on earth."
Moses refused to respond.
George is shocked and stated "You know, I am really appalled at this sort of rude behavior from someone of your stature."
Moses looked at him at said "The last time I talked to a bush, I spent the next forty years in the wilderness."
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn he sees The President Must Die written in urine across the snow.
He storms into his security staff's HQ and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TODAY!"
The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well, Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Clinton says "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first."
The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."
Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?"
The officer replies "Sir...it's Hillary's handwriting."
An airplane with five famous passengers and four parachutes was about to crash.
Bill Clinton said "I am the president of the United States and I have a great responsibility to more than 300 million people and a superpower." So he took the first parachute and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan said "I am the best basketball player in the world." So he took the second parachute and jumped from the plane.
Hilary Clinton said "I am the first lady, soon to be New York senator and the smartest woman in the world." So she took the third parachute and jumped.
Pope John Paul said to the fifth passenger, a ten year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left so I will give you the last parachute."
The scout said "That's OK, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took my backpack.
For you city slickers, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings to prevent cattle from crossing. This needs to be clear in order for to appreciate the following story, reported as true by an editor of Kansas Wildlife and Parks Magazine.
President Clinton received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Because Colorado ranchers protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered Secretary of Interior Bruce Babbitt to fire half of the guards immediately.
Before Babbitt could respond, and presumably straighten him out, Colorado's congresswoman Pat Schroeder intervened with a request that before any were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
Bill Clinton wanted a postage stamp issued with his picture. He stressed that it should be of the best quality and the project got underway. The stamps were released and Clinton was pleased, but after a short time he began hearing complaints that they didn't stick. He ordered Hillary to investigate the matter. She reported "There is nothing wrong with the stamp.
The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."
SIX PRESIDENTS ON A SINKING BOAT:
Ford says "What do we do?"
Bush says "Man the lifeboats"
Carter says "Women first!"
Nixon says "Screw the women!"
Clinton says "You think we have time?"
President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette's not a friendly, nice game."
The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton.
This gained Clinton's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?"
The African leader said "One of them is a cannibal."
Former president Bill Clinton is strolling along the beautiful South Padre Island beach when he finds an old lamp in the sand. He is brushing it off when a genie appears! The genie explains to Bill that he is indeed ancient, magic and there to grant Bill's Heart's Desire - one wish - anything he wanted. "Fabulous!" Bill shouted "I don't even have to think about it. To insure my place in history, I want there to be peace in all the world! Jews! Arabs! Democrats! Republicans! Men! Women! All at peace!"
The genie answered "Oh come on, Bill. You know that is completely out of the question. You'll have to re-think and make another wish."
Bill scratched his chin and pondered. "OK, I've got it. I want you to make my wife Hilary lovely, charming, warm and giving to me in every way for the rest of our lives. Yes, that's what I really want!"
Now it is the genie's turn to scratch and ponder.
He turns to Bill and says "Ahhh - let's talk about that Peace thing again."
Bill Clinton, George Bush, a beautiful blonde and an ugly fat lady were in a train. When it entered a tunnel, the unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. When it exited, Clinton had a red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me but he put his hand on the fat lady by mistake and she slapped his face."
The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel so I can smack Clinton again."
Dear Abby
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Ten he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone knows is a cheat. I don't know what to do.
Signed,
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brain storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with they staff."
The Queen of England was proudly showing her stable of thoroughbreds to the Archbishop of Canterbury when one of them produced a long and particularly loud fart.
"Oh please excuse the rudeness" said the Queen.
"Actually, Madam" replied the Archbishop, "I thought it was the horse."
The Queen Mum and Princess Anne were enjoying a country ride in the royal carriage when a band of highwaymen leapt out and demanded the coach, the horse and all of their jewelry, especially Princess Anne's huge diamond tiara.
As the robbers sped away, the Princess noticed that the Queen still had her giant diamond ring.
She asked "Queenie dear, why didn't the robbers get the ring?" "Well," the Queen replied, "when I saw the robbers, I was able to secret it away in my wooter.
Too bad Margaret wasn't here, we would have been able to save the carriage."
Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke (sorry folks, the quality of the recording is not great.).
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was enjoying himself.
He came swishing down the aisle and announced "Captain Marvey has asked me to tell you lovely people that he is just about to land the big airplane, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called Princess. I take orders from no one." "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Put the tray up, Bitch!"
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back Into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought "I don't fucking think so."