A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather
"He says Go to hell You don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God replies "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

There was a truck driver who loved to run over lawyers. Every time he saw one he would swerve, hit him with a loud "THUMP." One day he saw a priest hitchhiking and picked him up. Just then, the driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him, but he remembered the priest so he swerved away, barely missing but somehow, he still heard a loud "THUMP." He turned to the priest and said, "Sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay, Son" the priest replied "I got him with the door!"

A dad and his son are walking in a crowded market. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. Someone bumps the boy just at the wrong moment and the coin lodges in his throat. He chokes, turns blue and his dad begins shouting for help. Across the market, an attractive well dressed but serious woman in a business suit is reading a newspaper and drinking coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts down her coffee, neatly folds her paper and unhurriedly makes her way to the boy where she carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first then ever more firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing him, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son is OK, the father rushes over to her and thanks her effusively saying "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"

"Good heavens, no" she replied. "I'm a divorce attorney."

The Three Kick Rule
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Carolina. He shot a bird but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing. The litigator responded "I shot a duck and now I'm retrieving it from this field."
The old farmer replied "This is my property and you are not coming in."
The indignant lawyer said "Look, I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue."
The old farmer smiled and said "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in South Carolina. We settle small disagreements with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three-Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on until someone gives up."
The attorney thought about it and decided that he could take the old codger so he agreed to abide by local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

A lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door. The lawyer immediately dialed 911 on his cell phone. Within minutes a policeman pulled up and the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His new Lexus was now ruined and would never be the same. When he finally wound down, the officer shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are. You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing!?" the lawyer responded.
The cop replied "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I am very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank" and she leaves to inform the bank manager. The manager agrees that she does not have to listen to foul language and they both return to the window. The manager asks "Sir, what seems to be the problem?" "There is no damn problem" the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

John complains to his office buddy that "My elbow is killing me. I've got to see a doctor!" His friend replies that there is a new computer in the pharmacy which will diagnose anything for 50 cents. "Are you crazy? What a moron you must be to fall for some scheme like that!" And off he goes to the doctor, who diagnoses "a mild case of tennis elbow and use this prescription for a week, and you'll be fine. Fifty dollars, please." As John has the prescription filled ($50.00 again, thank you) he sees the computer his bud had mentioned, and in an effort to prove what a hoax this is, he drops in his 50 cents and walks through. The computer hums and buzzes and out comes a printout that says "You have a mild case of tennis elbow and the use of Mrs. Shoal's Liniment for seven days should make you well." John is frustrated and furious and decides at home that he will expose the computer, so he gets a fruit jar, puts some of his wife's urine in it, his daughter's hair from her brush, some dust from his dog's coat, and to really finish it off first class, he puts in a few drops of his precious manhood juice in the mixture. Back to the drug store he goes, shakes it up and pours it in the liquid analyzer.

After a few minutes of jiggling the sample, out comes the printout which reads "Your wife has a social disease, your daughter is pregnant, the dog has fleas, and if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow never is going to get well!"

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

Remember those great old "good news bad news" jokes? It will no doubt bring dozens to mind.

John goes for his annual physical checkup. After a thorough exam, his doctor advises him to get dressed and have a seat for the report. "What is the news, Doc, asks John, "good or bad?" "Well, John, both. Which do you want first?" "Gimme the good news, Doc" answered John. "Well, your penis has grown one-half inch this past year." John is ecstatic! "Wow! The women will be lined up down the block! What could be bad after that news?"

Solemnly Doc answered "It's malignant."

John and Joan are having their annual physicals at the same time. Afterwards the doctor summons John in for his report first. "So what's the news, Doc? I feel great!" "Good news, bad news John," the doctor answered."

The bad news is that your wife has a serious social disease. Now the good news is she didn't get it from You!"

A nurse in a mental institution walked into a room to find a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asked, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!". The nurse wished him a good trip and left. The next day she entered Charlie's room just as he stopped driving his imaginary car and asked, "Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie said, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. She left his room and went across the hall into Bob's room and to find him masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asked, "Bob what are you doing!"

Bob said "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!

A woman in the gynecologist's office was in that wonderful position, feet in the stirrups. The doctor exclaimed "I've never seen such a large vagina! I've never seen such a large vagina!" The woman snapped "You don't have to say it twice!"

"I didn't" said the doctor.

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

Two excellent surgeons on a hunting trip began to argue over who was the better surgeon. "See that sleeping owl? I am so adept that I can remove his tonsils and he'll never even wake up." "You're on" said his companion and the first doctor proceeded to do exactly as he bragged. "Very good" said the second doctor, "but I can do better. I can remove his balls and he'll never know" whereupon he did so and the doctors agreed to a tie. A month later, that same owl and his girlfriend were near the same spot. She said that she was tired and suggested that they roost. "Oh hell no!" screeched Mr. Owl.

"A few weeks ago, I roosted near here and since then, I haven't been able to hoot worth a fuck and fuck worth a hoot."

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

A man went to see his urologist. After examining him for a moment, the doctor excused himself and went outside to the nurse and said, "You've got to see this - this patient has 'TINY' tattooed on his penis. Go in and make up some excuse to examine his penis." The nurse went into the examining room and closed the door.

A minute later, she emerged, exclaiming, "Oh, doctor, no, it's not 'TINY,' it's 'TICONDEROGA, NY'..."

Did you hear about the Alabama doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients? Yeah, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for a checkup. Afterwards, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die." The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do. Every morning, make sure that you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure you feed him a good, hot meal each evening and don't overburden him with any stressful conversation, or ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so he doesn't get exposed to any threatening germs." On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said.

She replied "You're going to die."

A pharmaceutical rep mentioned a drug under development called "Gingko Viagra." It helps you remember what the fuck you are doing.

A very particular young man who was very interested in cooking learned that the best product to use in freezing fresh corn of the cob was rubbers. He visits the farmer's market and bought a gross of perfect ears of corn (he was particular). Off to the drugstore he went where he asked for a gross of rubbers. A surprised druggists said "Well I don't know if we have that many, but I'll check stock." The druggists filled the order and our cook went home to shuck, measure, clean, boil, count etc. his gross of corn. As he is about to finish his long night's work, he discovers that he has been shorted one rubber. Back to the drugstore where he angrily accosts the clerk about the shortage.

The clerk answered "Well, I am so sorry. I hope that it didn't ruin your evening!"

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

Misty was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Misty's doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." Misty did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room." Again, Misty did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates." Terrified, Misty asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

A man and a woman in a bar realize that they're both doctors. He says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached, just one night of fun" and she agrees. At her place, he goes in the bedroom and she goes in the bathroom where she scrubs for a good ten minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterward, the man says to the woman "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes, how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh that makes sense" says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah" says the man. "How did you know?"

"Because I didn't feel a thing."

This is supposed to be a true story. It was sent by my friend Al.

A woman received a morning call telling her that her gynecologist appointment had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. It was 8:45 already and she had no time to spare but wanted to take a little extra effort over hygiene as most women do when seeing the doctor. She rushed upstairs, wet a washcloth and gave herself a quick wash in the appropriate area. She threw the cloth in the dirty clothes basket, donned some clothes and raced to her appointment. She was called in after a short time and hopped up on the table. She was a little surprised when the doctor said "My... we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but she didn't respond. When the appointment was over, she gave a sigh of relief and went home. That evening, her daughter was dressing to go out when she called down from the bathroom "Mom - where's my washcloth?" The woman told her to get another from the cabinet but the daughter called back

"NO! I NEED THE ONE THAT WAS HERE BY THE SINK. IT HAD ALL MY GLITTER AND SPARKLES IN IT!"

These are also supposed to be true.

A man came into the ER and yelled "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths" I instructed. "Yes, they used to be" remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both" I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed "You're not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!"

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch.

And of course the best is saved for last... I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

A woman and a baby came into the handsome young doctor's office. The doctor examined the baby and asked the woman "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Breast fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist" the handsome young doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally" she said, "I'm his aunt, but I'm sure glad I came."

A doctor and his wife had a terrible fight. He stormed out yelling "and you are not any good in bed either."
After some time he decided to make amends and called his wife. After at least a dozen rings she finally answered. Irritated, the doctor said "What took you so long?" "I was in bed" she said.
"In bed this late, doing what?"

"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.

A doctor sees the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm! The next time the old man had an appointment, the doc says, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" "Just doing what you told me, Doctor. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." "I didn't say that...

I said, You've got a heart murmur, be careful!"

A man in his 40's goes in for a physical. The doctor says "I have good news and I have bad news." The man says, "Give me the bad news first."
Doc says, "There is a problem with your penis, you can only get a few more erections, and then you won't have any more for the rest of your life."
The man says, "What in the world is the good news?"
Doc says, "We know the number is exactly 25, so you can plan your use of them accordingly."

The man leaves and drives around for a couple hours pondering his situation, and how to confront his wife. When he gets home he tells her, "Honey, I have good news, and I have bad news."
She says, "Give me the good news."
He says, "I can only have 25 more erections, and then I can't have any more, ever."
She says, "We can work around that, we will just make a list and only use them when it is absolutely necessary to fulfill our desires, and make the most out of each one, what in the world is the bad news?"

He says, "I made a list, and you aren't on it."

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients ... and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go ..."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a vet ..."

Passengers on a small plane are impatiently waiting for the flight to. Finally, the entrance opens and two pilots walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way with a white tipped cane. Nervous laughter spreads as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke, but none is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's runway. Panicked screams fill the cabin-but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh sheepishly.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says "You know, Bob, one of these days they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"