On a warm sunny afternoon, Pablo is taking his siesta under a tree when his amigo Pancho strolls by carrying a beautiful butterfly in his hands. "Eh, Pancho, whachu got there?" Pancho replies, "Got a butterfly. Gonna get a pound of butter." "You loco, Pancho? You can't get no butter just cause you got a butterfly!" "You wait an see, Pablo." Presently Pancho comes back by with a pound of butter. "Well, I'll be damn" cried Pablo. An hour later here comes Pancho again with something in his hands. "Eh, what you got thees time, Pancho?" "I got a horsefly." "Now, Pancho, don't tell me you gonna get a horse." "You wait and see, "says Pancho. Pretty soon, sure enough, there comes Pancho leading a nice black horse! "Well, I'll be damn!" Pablo says again. Next time Pancho comes by, in response to Pablo's question he says, "I got a pussy willow."
"Wait a minute, I get my sombrero and go weeeth you!"
Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.
This joke is for folks who have a way with dialects. You can extend it as long as you have your listener, but if dialect is not your thing, move right along the punch line!
A young student with a slight lisp is selling coffee door to door. He comes upon a housewife who is a wag herself, so when he makes his spiel of "Good morning, madam! I have here some lovely Maxthwell Houth coffee for thale. With every pound of thith fine coffee you buy, you get thith lovely thchamber pot free! Isn'th it lovely? See how smoooth ith? You musth feel it!." The woman is putting him on when she says "My goodness, young man. You mean if I buy two pounds of coffee I would get two lovely chamber pots free?" "Oh, yeth you would!" he exclaimed. "Well, what if I bought ten pounds would I get ten chamber pots free? "Well, I would have to ask the main office, but I feel thure you would. "Again, she says "And what if I bought 100 pounds of your coffee, would I get 100 chamber pots free?" He pauses at this and finally says
"Gee whith, Lady! I think it would be thcheaper if you built a thshit houth!"
Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.
Joe was a very enthusiastic young man who wanted to become a salesman. The only problem was his lisp which caused him not to be taken seriously. Nevertheless, he applied to a local firm looking for a salesman. A soon as John the manager heard "Good morning, thir; I would like to work in thith fine thtore ath a thalethman" John realized that the speech impediment would be a huge problem. Joe, however, is sincere and insistent so John decided to give him a chance, feeling certain that one day on the job would discourage Joe and the problem would solve itself. He hired Joe on a "trial basis" for a day, fitted him out with supplies, a dozen toothbrushes, a card table for display and he could choose his own sales site. In the early afternoon, Joe returned having sold his toothbrushes. John was astonished but sent him out the next day with six dozen toothbrushes and, again, Joe returned in early afternoon after selling all of his inventory. John is puzzled but he loaded Joe up with a gross of toothbrushes. When Joe returned early, having sold out, John fairly hollered at his new star salesman "Joe, I am dumbfounded! I really felt that your speech impediment would ruin your sales approach. You've got to tell me how you do it." "Gladly" Joe replied. "I take my table and toothbrusheth to the airport and I get some chipth and dipth. I pothition myself near the exit of a big airplane and ath the people exit, I thay 'Want thome free chipth and dipth? Help yourthelf' and they do, and then they thay 'Uh, that tathtes like thit. And I thay 'It ith - "
Want to buy a toothbruth?"
The lovely young Cajun woman goes to her doctor after she discovers she has a terrible case of a social disease, Bugs in the Bush! "Ah Marie, Marie! What a terrible case of zee boogs een zee bush you have! However, if you will dilute this medicine 50/50 and apply it once a day, Poof! Zee boogs will be gone!" When Marie calls the doctor again in a few days, she reports that she is no better, so the doc recommends that she use the medicine twice a day, and again "Poof! Zee boogs will be gone!" Still later Marie is not cured, so the doctor advises "Ah, Marie! You must use zee medicine Full Strength, and Poof! Zee boogs will surely be gone!" When the doctor meets Marie next, a week has passed and she appears in perfect health. The doctor inquires and Marie answers, "Oh yes, Doctor! I used the medicine full strength and Poof! Zee boogs were gone! And Poof! Zee Bush was gone!
And Poof! Pierre's moustache was gone!"
A woman was a tourist in Mexico. As she walked through the plaza, she passed a sad little boy sitting in the dirt. "What is wrong, little boy" she asked sympathetically "Are you sick, honey?" He answered in his pitiful little voice "I am leetle sick, Lady" "Is there no one at home to look after you, honey? No mother, no Dad?" "No mama, no papa, no one Lady" answers the sad little boy. "My goodness" she says "No kinfolk?"
The sad little guy answered in a small voice "Oh si, can fuck a leetle bit."
Ivan and Boris were at a formal Russian cocktail party. They were seriously swilling vodka. Presently they had to find the men's room. While there, Ivan said to Boris "Boris, why is it when you pee, its sounds like Mother Volga rushing to the ocean and when I pee, it sounds like gentle rain on the rooftops in Moscow in the spring."
Boris replied "Yes Ivan, when I pee, it does sound like Mother Volga rushing to the ocean, and when you pee it does sound like the gentle rain on the rooftops in Moscow in the spring, but Ivan, you are peeing through your coat."
Olga is a lovely simple Russian peasant girl, complete with babushka. She has a terrible crush on Ivan, the famous Russian matinee idol. She manages to slip into his dressing room backstage between performances. Feeling as she does that she is so in love with Ivan, she is an easy mark, and they are soon making love. After, Ivan gives her two tickets to the next performance.
"But Ivan," she cries, "We are so poor. We need bread." Ivan replied, "You need bread, fuck the baker! I give tickets!
A darlin' daughter of the Dear Ole South, Caroline Ann, was given a trip to New York City so she could actually see how Yankees lived. On her first night in a hotel, she met a "lovely boy" who asked her to dinner. "Well on such short acquaintance, I really shouldn't, but you seem like such a nice boy - OK." After they go to dinner, he asks her "Would you like sherry or port?" She lapses into a dream-world of "Sherry or port? Ahhh, sherry or port. When I think of sherry, I think of all the lovely cotillions and the boys in their lovely velvet suits and I think of my dear old granny tatting antimacassars for our lovely sofas and I can hear the voice of the darkies drifting across the lawn onto our verandah as we sip our mint juleps.
Ahhh, sherry. And port - when I drink port, I fart."
Click here to hear Dottie tell this one.
Angus is on maneuvers with his regiment in the Scottish highlands, and makes his way down to the general store. He lifts his Scottish plaid kilt and takes a small package from a little pocket, unwraps it and reveals a terribly old dirty torn bedraggled condom. Angus asked the store owner "How much for a new condom, or could ye repair this one?" "Aye" answers the manager, "It would be 75 pence for a new one and 50 to repair it." Angus wraps up his prize and says he will return the next day.
When Angus returns with his decision, it is "The Regiment votes to rrrrepair it!"
Ole Swensen immigrated to America some years ago, and when he had saved enough money he sent for his sweetheart Helga. When Helga arrived at Ellis Island, she was very impressive, a big strapping healthy girl. "My God" exclaimed the official, "you could play with the Green Bay Packers!"
Helga quickly replied, "Ho No! I only play with Ole's packer!"
This is a good story for all you good French dialectians. Stretch it out and have a lot of fun with it, but if you are not good at 'lingua franca' get on to the punch line!
The young elementary school teacher in Paris announces to her class "For tomorrow's lesson, students, you must bring to class a sentence using zee American word PROBABLY. Oui? Probably. The next morning Teacher says, "Marie, do you have your sentence using zee American word Probably?" "Oui, Madam. I saw my mother in the keechen with zee butter and flour and eggs. Probably she vas going to bake bread." "Perfect, Marie. Now Pierre. Your sentence?" "Oui, Madam. I saw my father in the garage wees our dog. He had zee leash in his hand. Probably he vas going to take our dog for a valk," spoke Pierre. "Magnifique, Pierre....OK Leetle Johnny, your sentence." "Oui, Madam. I saw my seester in our music room wees her music teacher. My seester had her skirt around her waist. Her music teacher had his trousers around his ankles.
Probably zay were going to sheet on zee piano."
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A mother is walking with her extremely beautiful little daughter, all blonde curls, big blue eyes, complete with ruffled and lacy frock! As a man approaches them from the opposite direction, he declares "My goodness! I have never seen such a beautiful child! What is your name, Darling?" "Shelly" the lovely child answered. "Oh, how appropriate! Named for a poet!"
To which Mother questions "Shelly Temple vas a poet?"
Pat and Pam, two attractive young women traveling by plane, met two other young attractive women, Mary and Meg. The following conversation ensued: P&P: Did I understand that you two women are Navajos? M&M: Yes, we are, What about you girls?
P&P: How about that? We are in the same line of work! We are Dallas whores!
A beautiful lass was noticing a Scotsman in full regalia at a parade. Shy but curious, she approached him and asked, "Is it true, what they say about what Scotsman do not wear beneath their kilts?" The Scotsman replied, "Well, lass, you'll just have to take a wee peek and discover for yourself." She timidly lifted the hem and peered beneath. Immediately, she dropped it and said, "Aye, 'tis gruesome!"
To which he replied, "Best look again, lass, I think it's grew some more!"
A man from Scotland went to a baseball game. Since this was the first time he had ever seen the sport, he sat quietly watching. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run!" This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scot was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run, he's got four balls."
The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with prrrride, man... walk with prrride!"
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher, I sew the elastic on to cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled Ole.
"I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls it on and says "Yep, diesel fitter."
Two young sports, Jim and Jack, who both happen to lisp, had dates that evening and needed to be prepared in case they got lucky, i.e. to buy some condoms. Jim draws the short straw and has to go to the drug store and make the purchase. He struggles with the language with the clerk, but to no avail. He simply can't convey what he wants to the man. Finally in desperation, he unzips, whips it out and puts it on the counter along with a quarter. A moment later he is back on the street with Jack who asked "Well, didyagitit? didyagitit?"
Despondently Jim explained "I put mine on the counter, and he put his on the counter, and his was Bigger, and he took my quarter!"
On a warm afternoon three men were enjoying a vino at a side-walk cafe in Sunny Italy discussing - what else? - Women! The question of the day was "Who is the sexiest woman in the world?" The first man quickly named his choice as beautiful Elizabeth Taylor. The second went for French Sex Kitten Bridgette Bardot.
The third man said, "Oddly enough, I just read an article in an American paper and she is an Italian and here is the article" and he withdrew the clipping and the headline stated
500 men lay Virginia Pipeline in One Day
A man drives a group of deaf people on an outing and on the way home, the bus breaks down. The bus limps into a roadside cafe-garage and the driver determines that it can be fixed in a couple of hours. So he settles his group into the restaurant and bar and returns to the garage. An hour later the restaurant manager came to tell him that the there was a problem with his people.
He rushed to the bar and there he sees his people having a large time, waving their hands a mile a minute to which he comments
"Oh Damn! They're drunk and singing!"
Two deaf people got married. During the first week, they found that they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when the lights were out because they couldn't see each other's sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decided to find a solution. "Honey" she signed "why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times."
A tourist in Spain stopped at a local restaurant. The dish served to the next table looked and smelled wonderful. He asked the waiter "What is that wonderful dish?" The waiter replied "Ah Señor, you have excellent taste. Those are bull's testicles from this morning's bull fight - a great delicacy." The tourist paused then said "What the hell, I'm on vacation. Bring me an order." The waiter replied "I am sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The tourist returned in the morning, placed his order and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After the dish was brought, he called the waiter and said"These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw yesterday."
The waiter shrugged and replied "Sí señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Yah, it vuss a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gudness, it's hot" she mused as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought "Vy nodt?" So Helga sat at the bar and the bartender asked her what she would like to drink. Helga said "Ya know, it's zo hot, I tink I'll haff myself a cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga, surprised, replied "Vell fine - tanks. Undt how's yurr pecker?"
A middle aged guy in his brand new Mercedes convertible SLK took off down the road at 80 mph. "This is great" he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Highway Patrol Trooper blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away no problem" thought the man and he flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him. The Trooper pulled in behind and walked up to the man. "Sir" he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding; that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Trooper and said "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Trooper said "Have a nice day"
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange line in a New York bank with 2000 yen, and he walked out with 72 dollars, US. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed 66 dollars, US. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. The lady said "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out but just before slamming the door, he turned and said "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
A drunk Irishman was driving home one night and, of course, his car was weaving violently. A cop pulled him over. "So" says the cop "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk. "Well" says the cop "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right" the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know" says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk, "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
A woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has. "Ten boys ." "And their names?" "Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy." "All named Leroy?" Why would you name them all Leroy?" "That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard I just yell LEROY, and when I want them to come in for dinner I just yell LEROY!" "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"
"Then I call him by his last name."
Centuries ago, a powerful emperor needed a new head Samurai. He sent out a declaration and three people came to the palace: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out popped a little fly. "Whoosh" went his sword and the fly fell to the ground in two pieces. The emperor exclaimed "Very impressive!" The Chinese Samurai was next. He also opened a matchbox and released a fly. "Whoosh, whoosh," and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!" Then the Jewish Samurai opened his matchbox and released a fly. His flashing sword went Whoooooooossshhh, Whooooossshhh! and gusts of wind filled the room, but the fly was alive. The disappointed emperor asked "After all of that, why is the fly still alive?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."