The new bride and groom were in the honeymoon suite experimenting a little. She was appalled as she pulled the sheet off his little feet, and discovered that he had badly misshapen gnarled toes! "Oh, Darling!" he explained "I should have mentioned that! As a child I had a terrible case of Toe Main Poisoning and it scarred me like this."
"Gosh" she said, as she pulled the sheet further back from his knees. She gasped as his knees are a mess, all scarred and discolored.
"Well my Darling, again, I wish I had mentioned this, but a terrible bout with Kneesles when I was quite young did that."

"Well, OK" Bridey says, "But I'm outahere if I discover you lost a battle to Small Cox!"

Jack arrived home one afternoon and to find his wife packing her clothes. When he asked why she answered "I just heard that women in Las Vegas make $200.00 for a blow job and I'm moving!"
Jack immediately started to pack his clothes, so she asked "What do you think you're doing?"

"Well, at $200.00 a blow job, I am going to see how you can make it on $400.00 a year!"

There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they had always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see a pathetically ugly child. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

John and Mary were having a romantic drive through the countryside remembering their early days. They stopped at a scenic spot they knew and began to kiss. Things heated up so they left the car and leaned up against an old fence. After a few moments of extreme passion and frantic lurching, Mary dropped in a dead faint. John revived her and said "Gosh! You were never that great before! What moves! I never had it so good! What happened?"

Mary spat back "The damn fence wasn't electric before, John!"

Note from Melody: Mother always said that are very few new jokes, just old ones recirculating. Lately, someone sent the joke below, an old-age-sex variant of the above.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

John and Betty, a married woman, just not to John - were having a quickie one afternoon at Betty's home when Coitus Interruptus occurred! Betty heard a noise and cried "Oh my God! My husband has come home unexpectedly!"
John cried "Quick! Where is another door?"
Betty frantically answered "There isn't one!"

"Where do you want one?" was John's next question.

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Sincerely,
Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, a fax awaited him
Dear Husband,
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.
Your Wife

Daisy and Daniel had been married lo these many years, but now Daisy had decided to get a divorce. In the court room, the astounded judge challenged Daisy "Daisy, you and Daniel have been married so long. I can't believe this is happening. Are you sure you want to do this?" "Yes, Judge, I do" was Daisy's reply. "But why?," questions the judge. "Why Judge, you see, Daniel is a hobosexual." "Oh I see, Daisy," responded the judge. "That is unfortunate, but I am sure you mean homosexual." Daisy explained, "No, Judge, I mean hobosexual.

Daniel is a bum fucker."

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

A father and his son were in a drug store when they happened upon the condom aisle. The son asked his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replied "Well, you see that three-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night."
The son then asked "Well what's the six-pack for?"
The father replied "Well that's for when you're in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday morning."
Then the son asked his father what the twelve-pack was for."
The father replied "Well that's for when you're married.

You have one for January, one for February, one for March... "

Barney and Jill decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"The Smith family is returning from church"
"Bob Jackson is meditating on his swing chair"
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot"
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500 and it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.' So he went to the lady's house and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?" "Sure," answered the lady.
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back, he asked "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

She laughed, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, "You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money."

After twenty-five years of marriage, William and Mildred decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino, a sweet young woman in a very short skirt, became very friendly. When William brushed her off rudely, Mildred objected, "William, that young woman was nice, and you were very rude." "Mildred, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe it - that sweet young thing?" "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all" she said.
William asked "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
William was taken aback "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Candie laughed derisively "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." "Well" said William "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."
William said "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

A man and a woman who have never met before found themselves in the same sleeping car of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over and says "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea - let's pretend we're married." "Why not," laughs the man.

"Good," she replies "Get your own damned blanket."

A woman was having a passionate affair with a pest control man. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom when the husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick" said the woman to her lover "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search, discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm am inspector from Bugs-B-Gone" said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" asked the husband.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man answered.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said "Those little bastards."

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this - "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." Next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

The Johnson family was at the court house as Mildred had sworn out a major complaint against her husband Al. While Mildred acknowledged that this was not the first time such a thing has happened, this one was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. She charged Al with being drunk and abusive, and told her story.
Mildred, her two sisters and her elderly auntie with the pincenez glasses were asleep when Big Al came home. He came raging in after a long evening at the Lodge where demon rum had had its way. He was not only drunk, but amorous as well. He had his way with Mildred, and then sought out his two sisters-in-law, and lastly - he went for the elderly auntie with the pincenez glasses! "My God, Mildred! I ought to throw that man under the jail! But let's think about this." (He now proceeded to think less like a judge and more like a product of his gender.) "He is your husband and I know you believe in submitting gladly to your husband. And of course - he should not have screwed your sisters-in-law, but look at it this way: he has been supporting them for many years. Both girls are old maids, and who knows? They may not get any more chances! Now he certainly should not have taken your old auntie with the pincenez glasses, but again, Auntie has lived with you for many years, and she is old, and this might have been her last chance! I believe I will just have to temper justice with mercy here for good old Al."
Mildred listens to this horseshit and finally she delivers the cu-de-graw on Al's outrageous behavior. "But Judge - you just don't understand - after he violated me, and he goes to my sister and he violates her, and he finds my other sister, and he violates her, why then he finds my old auntie with the pincenez glasses, and he violates her, and THEN he puts my auntie's pincenez glasses on his violator and says

"Now look around here, Big Boy! See if there's anyone we missed!"

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. This delighted Ms. Walters, who approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines".

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

A young boy survived a shipwreck and washed up onto a lush, beautiful and isolated island. Though he was alone, the island provided for all of his needs and he grew into a healthy and handsome specimen of young manhood. Lo and behold, another shipwreck washed up a lovely young woman who was overjoyed to find such a handsome young man on the island. She asked "What do you do for fun?" and he replied "Dig for clams." "What do you do for sex?" she asked.
"Sex? What's that?" he replied.
"Well, let me show you" and she proceeded to do so.
"Gosh, that was great" he said in amazement.
"What's this digging for clams like?" she asked.

"Can't do it" he said, "You ruined my clam digger."

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

A woman awoke to find her husband missing from bed. She found him crouched in the corner sobbing. She asked "What's wrong?" "Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were sixteen and he said I had two choices, marry you or spend the next twenty years in jail?"
Baffled, she said "I remember, so what?"

"I would have gotten out today."

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of faithfully carrying the mail to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words" he said "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun. He looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The surprised nun politely declines and gets off at the next stop. After she left, the bus driver says "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you. Every Tuesday evening she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you went dressed in a robe and beard, she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex." The hippie likes the idea and goes to the cemetery in costume on Tuesday evening. Sure enough the nun appears and begins to pray. The hippie jumps out and says "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and will answer them, BUT first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees has his way with her. Afterward, he stands up, rips off the fake beard and shouts "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right. We'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, got married and honeymooned at a very nice resort. One morning as they were lying by the pool, he got up, climbed up to the ten meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the jackknife position, then straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

Janet returned home from an estate sale where she purchased an expensive, full length, magic mirror. When her husband found her admiring herself nude in her $1000 mirror, he screamed "What the hell is wrong with you! A magic mirror? Shit." Janet answered "Oh yes, Bob. They assured me it was magic, so here goes…" She stood tall and called "Mirror Mirror on the floor! Make my breasts a forty-four!" There was a musical chime, the sound of breaking glass and, sure enough, she had big beautiful forty-four inch breasts! Needless to say, Bob was astounded but he immediately took action. He removed all of his clothes and said "Mirror Mirror by the door! Make my dick reach the floor!"

Once again there was a musical chime, the sound of breaking glass and Bob's knees fell off!

Janet met an attractive older man at a mixer. Using her best cocktail conversation, she asked whether he was married. He answered "Oh yes, I've been married three times and all of my wives have died." Janet was appalled and asked what happened. He answered that the first two died of strychnine poisoning. "My God" gasped Janet. What happened to the third?"

Bob explained that she drowned - she wouldn't eat the cookies.

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's Disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."
Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed before he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal "short arm" inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. 'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless!

Question: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Answer: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.

There was a wealthy man who was in love with three beautiful women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. He wanted to be married but couldn't decide which woman was the best, so he devised a plan. He gave each one $10,000 and said that they could do whatever they thought best with the money. At the end of the month, they would all meet again. At the end of the month, the man asked the Blonde how she spent her money. "Well Darling, you have always loved the way I look, so I spent it all on me so that I would look even better on your arm!" "Wonderful!" he replied. "And you, my dear?" addressing the brunette... "Well, I feel you are so handsome and fit, and I want you to stay that way so I spent all the money on wonderful stylish clothes for you!" "I really appreciate that" he said. And finally to the Redhead "And how did you do?" She replied "As you know, I am a business woman, and you will be pleased to know I invested my $10,000 and it is now $100,000!" "Fabulous! Outstanding!" he squealed. So which one do you suppose he chose?

The one with the big tits!

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing (crying) and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - Stop acting like your father."
My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well" said the wife "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end you will find a red sticky ball which is the egg. Say 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded. Two days later, the sperm heard the siren and immediately ran to the tunnel with a multitude of sperm behind him. When he neared the entrance, he looked back and saw that he was far ahead. When he finally approached the red sticky ball, he smiled and said "Hi, I'm a sperm!"

The red sticky ball smiled and said "Hi, I'm a tonsil."

Picture three bears at the breakfast table. Papa Bear says in a very grouchy voice "My porridge is too cold!" Baby Bear whines "And my porridge is too hot." Mama Bear replies in a very resigned voice

"Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! I haven't even dished the damn stuff up yet!"

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

Riddle
Schwartzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, George Burns' was hot, Liberace never used his on women, Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his, We never saw Lucy use Desi's...
The answer, of course, is A Last Name.

A couple went golfing at an exclusive course lined with expensive homes. The husband cautioned, "Be careful. If we break a window, it'll cost a fortune." She promptly sliced it through the window of the biggest house on the course. They knocked on the door and entered to find broken window glass and a broken antique bottle. A man reclining on the couch said "Are you the people who broke the window?" "Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied. "Oh, no apology needed. Actually I want to thank you because I'm a genie, and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now I am allowed to grant three wishes, one for each of you and one for me." "Wow!" the husband said. "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem, you've got it. And you, young lady?" the genie asked. "I'd like a gorgeous home with servants in every country in the world" she said. "Consider it done." the genie said. "And now" they both asked "What's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been in that bottle alone for a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The couple looked at each other and said, "I guess he's entitled - he was certainly good to us." The genie ravished the woman for the rest of the afternoon then asked her "Tell me, how old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly.

"No kidding! Thirty-five years old and both you idiots still believe in genies?"

A mortician was working late one night. As he prepared the body of Mr. Schwartz for cremation, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician "but I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendous penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." He removed the dead man's schlong and put it in his briefcase. He took it home and showed it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe" he said.

"Oh my god!" she screamed "Schwartz is dead!"

A man asked God to change him into his wife and change his wife into him. After all, she had it easy at home while he worked all day. God considered and granted the wish. The next morning, the new woman got up at dawn, made lunch for the kids, prepared breakfast, woke the kids, put in a load of clothes, took meat out of the freezer for dinner, drove the kids to school, gassed up the car (self-serve), cashed a check, paid the bills, picked up clothes from the cleaners, went to the market and got home in the early afternoon. He made the beds, washed and dried more clothes, vacuumed the house, picked up the kids, had an argument with the kids, fed the kids, washed the dishes, did more laundry, helped the kids with homework, prepared adult dinner, gave the kids a bath and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm, he was so tired that he went to bed early only to find that certain wifely duties remained. Somehow he managed, then fell asleep. The next morning he prayed "Please God, return me to myself. I have learned my lesson - I don't know what I was thinking."

God replied "Of course, son, you may return to yourself but there is one detail. You will have to wait nine months because last night you got pregnant."

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence while everyone stares at the desperate woman. Then a man stands up. "I can make you feel like woman" he says. He is gorgeous - tall, well-built, with jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. The woman breathes heavily in anticipation. He removes his shirt, chest muscles rippling and he extends his arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman.

"Here, iron this."

A mother was listening to her young son play with his electric train. She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now! And all you sons of bitches getting on, get your asses on the train now!" The horrified mother told her son "We don't use that kind of language here. Go to your room and stay for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train IF use nice language!"
Two hours later, he came out and resumed playing. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard him say "All disembarking passengers please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was pleasant." He continued "For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage and remember there is no smoking. We wish you a pleasant and relaxing journey."

As the mother smiled, the boy added "For those who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the cunt in the kitchen!!!!!!!!"

There's a group of guys in the club sauna. A cellular telephone rings and one guy answers it.
"Hello?" "Honey, is that you? What's all that noise? Are you in the sauna?"
"Yes."
"Honey, I'm standing in the jeweler's shop and they've got this fabulous diamond and emerald necklace and I really, really, really want it. Can I please, please have it? It's only a bit more than $15,000."
"How much more?"
"Well, about $22,500."
"Well, all right then. But don't pay more than that then." "Thank you, my honey. Oh! And I just passed by the BMW shop and they have this dream car in and it's my favorite color on sale for $60,000 but they can let us have it for just $57,000. Please, please honey let me buy it "
"Well, all right, dear, but try to get them down to $56,000."
The woman realizes she's on a roll and says, "Honey, I've been asking you to let my mother live with us - well, I was thinking that perhaps she could come on Saturday and try staying with us just to see how it goes. What do you think?"
"Well, dear, all right then - but only on a trial basis."
"Oh, thank you honey, I love you so much. See you tonight."

The guy hangs up, puts the phone down and says "Anybody know who this telephone belongs to?"

This story is great fun in a group of loose, fun-loving folk who will take part in the story.

The party is gathered and playing games. A man suggests "Charades" and everyone is enthusiastic. He makes the "grinding the camera" gesture and the others quickly grasp that it is "A film." Next he shows two fingers, and they correctly guess "Two words." Then he holds up one finger they work on the first word. He grabs his chest and out comes "breast" "tits" "milk machine" "thanks for the memories" etc. He vigorously rejects all and goes to the second word. Now he grabs his crotch and the players holler "dick "schlong" "needle dick" "prick" etc.

Finally exasperated, he states "Oh well you never will get it! It's South Pacific! But I just love to hear you talk dirty!"

Representatives from all the mafia families were present at the christening of the Godfather's newest grandbaby, a child unfortunately born without ears. They were lined up to congratulate the Don and gushing platitudes "He is so beautiful, He is so big, He doesn't cry etc etc." Next in line was Guieseppe, not long on brains and even shorter on tact so everyone is a bit nervous that Guieseppe will say something insulting. But Guieseppe says "My! He looksa just like you, Don Mario!" As the guests hold their breath, he continues "And he isn't fussy, even with all of us here." As the guests begin to relax hoping that old Gee may not cause problems after all, he says "And does the little bambino have good eyes, Godfather?" The Don answers that he believed he did, but why was he asking.

Guieseppe replied "Well, the poor little bastard ain't got no ears to hold up his glasses!" (Badda Badda Boom!)

Pat was dying. His wife, Kristi, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kristi," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent.
"Kristi," he said in his tired voice, "I...I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kristi.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Kristi. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," Kristi whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come to dinner with her parents after which she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but inexperienced, so he goes to the pharmacist for protection and advice. The pharmacist tells him everything he needs to know. Then he asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy.
That night, at the door of her house, his girlfriend says "I'm excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." Inside, he is taken to the dinner table where the her parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. Ten minutes pass and the boy still deep in prayer. After 20 minutes, the girlfriend whispers "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Its Good to be the Woman
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological excuses.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.
God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
When God finished, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads "Here Lies My Wife - As Cold As Ever."

"Yeah" she replies "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice "Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

HE SAID/SHE SAID
He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said: You wear briefs, don't you?
He said: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She said: What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.
He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said: Well, you succeeded.
He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said: I would, but you're never there.
He said: Shall we try a different position tonight? She said: That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of the ocean, the following groups of people are stranded on separate islands:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:
One Italian man has killed the other Italian man in a jealous rage.
The French men and the woman are living happily in a ménage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule - alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other. The woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up pharmacy/ liquor store/restaurant/laundry. The Chinese woman is pregnant with their first employee.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. Things get sort of foggy each night and they can't remember if they've had sex with the Irish woman or not - but they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman keeps on complaining about sand in everything, insisting she can do everything they can do, expressing the need to equally divide and organize the household chores, maintaining that her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, speculating about whether all this means her relationship with her mother will improve and asking if the sand and palm trees make her look fat.

Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested yesterday for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. The sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

She has been charged with a misdewiener.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "Well be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." Bob replied. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

At the bar one night, a man approached one of the ladies standing near the edge of the dance floor. "Would you like to dance?" he asked.
The girl didn't even look at him when she replied, "I don't like this song, and even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The man immediately said, "I'm sorry, but you must have misunderstood me.

I said, "You look fat in those pants."

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over five times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Sporting a black eye, Brendan boarded his plane for Louisville. When he found his seat, he discovered that the man next to him also had a black eye. "Nice shiner! Mind if I ask how you got it?" "Not at all" the man replied. "It was a tongue-twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this beautiful blonde with the most perfect shape you've ever seen was standing in line. So instead of saying I wanted the best seat on the plane, I said "I want the breast seat on the plane" so she punched me in the eye." "Wow!" Brendan exclaimed. "Mine was a tongue-twister too!" "What did you say?" the other man asked.

Brendan replied, "I meant to say Please pass the butter but instead I said, You ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, wide-bottomed pig!"