The young minister, Brother Danny, was sadly relating his tale of woe to his buddy John. His bicycle was missing, perhaps even stolen. John suggested that if the good preacher really thought that his bicycle was stolen, he should preach his next sermon on the ten commandments. If he observed his flock closely during the discussion of Thou shalt not steal the thief would give himself away. Brother Danny agreed enthusiastically and the very next Sunday, he preached eloquently and convincingly on the commandments. Suddenly, about halfway through the sermon, he announced that the service was over. Afterwards, John sought out brother Danny and asked why the sermon was ended suddenly. Didn't we think that this would cause the thief to reveal himself?

"Yes we did" answered the good brother "but when we got to Thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I had left my bicycle."

Molly, the organist at the church, had an enormous bosom, so large that it threatened to cost her her position. Her large pendulous breasts bonged on the wrong manuals as she played making a mess of her music. The pastor was a personal friend and definitely did not want her to lose her job so he suggested a treatment which he had heard of. "Molly, perhaps if you could bathe your bosom in alum water, they would draw up a bit. Its worth a try."
Molly tried the alum treatment and the next Sunday, Preacher announced early from the pulpit it a very pinched voice

"Due to circumstances beyond my control, I will not be delivering today's sermon."

The congregation was gathered for the evening service at the little country church, and the service that evening was to be a select-a-hymn sing along. Brother Jones selected hymn number ten and sister Smith picked number forty. Everyone joined in the singing into the evening. At the end, as the plate was passed, a young gay guy puts a bill in the plate and after it passes, he realizes that he has accidentally placed a hundred dollar bill in the collection plate. "Oh well, nothing can be done about it now" he thought. As the pastor received the plate, he quickly spied the hundred dollar bill. He excitedly said, "Oh my, will the generous person who donated $100 please stand so that we can thank you." Well our friend didn't expect this, but he shyly stood up.
The pastor said, "Thank you very much sir, for your generosity. We would like you to select three hymns."

"Oh joy" shrieked the gay guy and immediately says "I'll take him and him and him" pointing to his choice of hims.

Two rabbis were strolling past a Catholic church and noticed a sign advertising that the church would pay $10 to anyone embracing Catholicism. "Can you believe that?" one rabbi exclaimed "That's outrageous!"
The second rabbi considers it for a few minutes then says "Oh I don't know, I'm kind of short and I could use $10. I think I'll do it." "You can't be serious rabbi." "Yes, I'm going to tell them I've changed and get my $10" and into the church he went. After a few minutes, he returned to his friend who asked "Well did you do it? Did you get the $10?"

"Is money all you people ever think about?"

At the Progressive Church of the Month, one of the sisters shows up topless. The pastor admonishes her that while they are free thinking, she has to come to the services clothed. Sister protested. "But I have a Divine Right!" and pastor agreed and said

"And your left aint bad either, but you will have to cover 'em up!"

The pastor is preaching on the importance of good mental and physical health as essential to good spiritual life. He eventually questions the congregation about sex and asks for a show of hands of all who have sex more than once a week. Of course, all the young men proudly raise their hands, and then the once a month crowd catches the older married men and so on, until he asks does anyone have sex only once a year. An old guy on the front row is just bursting with energy and enthusiasm and he raises his hand. The astonished the preacher asks him directly "Do I understand correctly that you have sex only once a year?"

"Yes!" answered the old guy, fairly jumping with joy "And tonight's the Night!!"

The pope got a very sporty pope-mobile for this trip to California and he begged the chauffeur to let him drive. Finally the chauffeur gave in and let the pope drive. Of course, the pope went crazy and was going too fast. Finally he ran a stop light and was pulled over by a policeman. The cop called his station to ask them what to do because he just pulled over somebody very, very important. His sergeant asked who, our mayor, a movie star, or what?? The cop replied

"Well I'm not sure who, but he must be really important because the pope is his chauffer!!"

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery"
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars."

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first! Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!
The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races, and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000, so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdraw his life's savings, $20,000. The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!
Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?"

"That's the trouble with you Protestants" sighed the priest. "You can never tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites."

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted

"I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other"Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying"I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..." The priest interjected,
"Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said

"Better than pork, isn't it!"

Tommy Shaughnessy went into the confessional box and said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest said "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes Father, it is." "Who was this woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Who was this woman you were with - tell me?" "Please, I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
The priest asked"Was it Brenda Patty O'Malley?"
"No" "Was it Mary Patricia Kelly?"
"No" "Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?"
"No" "Was it Fiona Mary McDonald?"
"No" "Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?"
"No, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally gave up and said, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers. Go back to your pew."

Tommy walked back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slid over and whispered, "What happened?"

"Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads."

Dear Reader, this one requires concentration: Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stayed up all night pondering if there was a Dog?

Bob shows up at his office Monday morning sporting two shiners. When asked what had happened, he said that a heavy-set lady (see fat) was seated in front of him at church. As they stood to sing, he saw that her dress was caught in the crack of her behind. He hoped to do a good deed unobtrusively, and deftly withdrew the stuck fabric but NO! The lady only knows that some moron is fooling with her skirt and her behind so she socked him a good one. "Well that explains one eye - what about the other?" asked Bob's bud.

Bob explained that he had presumed that she wanted the skirt removed from her crack but obviously she wanted it there so he shoved it back.

The Reverend Jerry Falwell recently claimed that Tinky Winky, from the Teletubbies children's television show, was "clearly a fount of gayness." His reasoning is because the character is purple (a "gay" color), has an antenna in a triangle shape (a "gay" symbol), and he carries a purse. However, as I see it, Falwell's work is far from over.
FRED FLINTSTONE Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock Bowling Team is "Twinkle-Toes," the show's theme song ends with the phrase, "We'll have a gay old time," he wears a little orange dress with triangles on it, and he hangs out with Barney more than Wilma.
BUGS BUNNY Evidence: He often stands with his hand on his hip, he played a hairdresser in one episode, he frequently dresses in drag, and he loves to throw on a top hat and tails while belting out Broadway show tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it's worth noting, speaks with an obvious lisp.
VELMA (of Scooby Doo) Evidence: She always tries to sit next to Daphne in the van, she sports an obvious butch haircut, she has broad shoulders, she is always wearing a thick turtleneck sweater and knee socks, and she never once attempted to shag Shaggy.
POPEYE Evidence: He eats lots of salads, wears a sailor suit even though he hasn't been on a ship in years, frequently does little sailor dances, dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl, and his best friend is named Wimpy.
BATMAN & ROBIN Evidence: Robin's nickname is "Boy Wonder," Batman's real name is "Bruce," they both wear tights, and they both in great shape.
PEPPERMINT PATTY Evidence: She has a deep, gravelly voice, she always wears pants and not dresses like all the rest of the Peanuts girls, she plays a mean game of football, she is always hanging out with the very androgynous Marcie, she always wears comfortable shoes, and her nickname is "Sir."
PINK PANTHER: Enough said.

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated"If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible." After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS." The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse. On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read, "...and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said "I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them" she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit."

A couple attended church service one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
"Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend replied "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."

The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked "No Shit!"

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor." He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which is a perfect fit. When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no, there's no charge. But, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor." Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches. Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein. "Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushes Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?" "Sure, "replies Jesus, "Jesus and Finkelstein it is." "Uh, no, no", says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein and Jesus. After all I am the craftsman." The two of them debate this for some time.

Finally, they come to a compromise decision...
The new sign went up: Lord and Tailor.

In the confessional, the priest heard "Father it has been two weeks since my last confession - these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green." The priest responded "That is your sin? You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father."
The next enters and kneels saying "Father it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for a month." Thinking that this Nookie Green is fairly popular with his male parishioners he responds "Those are your sins? You are forgiven. Go say three Hail Marys."
The next begins "Father it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins - I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months." This time, the priest has to ask "Who is this Nookie Green?" The reply comes "Just a woman I know." The priest says "You are forgiven - go out and say ten Hail Marys." He closes the confessional and leaves wondering who this woman can possibly be.
During the next morning's service, a stunning redhead in a green sequined dress, green sequined heels and a green hat enters the church, walks up the aisle and sits in front of the priest. He catches himself staring and leans over to ask the alter boy "Pssst - is that Nookie Green?"

The altar boy has a look and says "No, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

There was an East Indian making a pilgrimage from Mecca to Delhi. He walked barefoot purifying his body by fasting and avoiding baths. He was a super callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Two brothers, one a well known womanizer, one a thief, grew up and decided to change their ways. The womanizer became a priest and the thief became a respectable businessman. When the priest invited his brother to dinner, the brother noticed that the priest's housekeeper was really gorgeous. The businessman brother said "I see that you haven't changed a bit, you have a beautiful woman living with you." The priest replied "Oh no, she is just a cook and housekeeper. She has her own bedroom and I have mine." They enjoyed a lovely dinner and the businessman brother left. The next day, the priest discovered that the silverware was missing. He immediately called his brother and said "You haven't changed a bit, you are still a thief - you stole the silverware!"

His brother replied "No, it is you who have not changed - if your housekeeper had slept in her bed last night, she would have discovered the silverware."

Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.

Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with an Irish setter he doted on. The dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest. "Father, me dog is dead" he said. "Could you be saying a Mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road. No telling what they believe. Maybe they can be doin' something for ya."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do ya think a couple o' thousand is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick placed a hand on Muldoon's forearm.

"Lord's sake, man, why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

It is Christmas time, and the little church is having a wonderful Christmas worship service. For special effect the choir is divided with half the members singing from the balcony. It is awfully hot, and the ladies of the choir are all naked under their heavy robes! Sister Corina, in her zeal and excitement over the glorious music loses her balance and half-falls over the railing of the balcony. Two men of the choir are valiantly trying to pull Sister Corina back up, and she is giving great voice to this situation! The pastor immediately takes all this in and sternly admonishes his congregation thusly "Men of this flock! Hallelujah! Don't give in to the sin of lust! Don't look upon Sister Corina's nakedness! You will surely be struck BLIND!"
All the men are struggling mightily with the Devil trying to keep eyes front - except Little John! "John" the preacher calls out, "Look to the front of the church! Eyes down!"

John's anguished reply was "Preacher, I just have to risk one eye - just till my vision gets fuzzy!"

A couple of days after Mozart's death and burial, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard something strange. Terrified, the drunk got the priest to come listen. The priest bent close and heard faint, unrecognizable music. Frightened, he ran to get the bishop. The bishop bent his ear to the grave, listened and said "That seems to be Mozart's Ninth Symphony backwards." He listened further and said "There's the Eighth Symphony, also backwards - most puzzling." Then; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly, a realization dawned on the bishop; he stood and announced to the crowd gathered in the cemetery "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.

It's just Mozart decomposing."

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across form a brother when they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Will you look at that?" the workmen exclaimed. "Why ‘tis no wonder the young people today are so confused, what with the example clergy men set."
After an hour, the men watched a Catholic priest quickly enter the whore house. "Ah, what a pity" the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of the poor lasses must be ill."

The vicar wanted to give his wife a present so he went to the pet store to purchase bird. He came home with a beautiful talking parrot. He wasn't told, however, that this parrot had a checkered past and a very foul vocabulary. It surfaced as soon the Vicar's wife was arranging her new pet in the sun room. She leaned over in front of the bird and he squawked "I could fuck that!" The woman hoped that she didn't hear what she thought she heard and went on. The Vicar walked in just in time to hear Polly squawk again "Awk! I could fuck that!" He was appalled and said "Oh my! We can't have that - I will get you another bird, my dear." Next, he came home with a lovely owl. While making room for her new bird, Mrs. Vicar leaned over only to hear "Awk! I could fuck that!" The new owl screeched "WHO? WHO?"

To which the parrot answered "NOT YOU, YOU FLAT FACED SON OF A BITCH!"

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts died in a plane crash and showed up at the pearly gates. St. Peter was surprised "Oh dear! We weren't expecting you and your quarters aren't ready. We can't take you in and we can't send you back!" so he called Lucifer and said "I have three gentlemen who are ours, but their places aren't ready yet. Could you put them up for a couple of days? I'll owe you one." The Devil reluctantly agreed but after a short time, called heaven. "Pete, this is Lucifer. You have to come get these three guys.

This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"

The minister was passing a group of teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much Pastor." replied the one lad. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys ! Boys ! Boys !" he intoned. "I'm shocked. Why when I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all."

They all replied in unison, "You win Pastor!"