A John Wayne look-alike takes a seat at the bar and the Bartender says "What will you--Good God! It's John Wayne - The Duke!"
"No," says customer laconically"but I get that all the time." After a couple of beers he retires to the men's room and when he returns, one of his trouser legs is all wet!
"What happened, Duke?" asked the Bartender.
"Well, it happens all the time. There I am at the trough, and some guy next to me hollers 'My God! It's John Wayne' as he turns to me, and I end up with wet pants.
It happens alllll the time."
As the bartender is tending his guests, he reaches under the bar and brings out a real but miniature pianist and grand piano. The musician proceeds to play the piano like a pro and is very entertaining of course.
When asked where he got this wonderful set, the bartender replied "Well I found this magic lantern on the beach. Would you believe that I didn't ask for a twelve inch pianist!"
The man at the bar gets a bit amorous as the evening lags. He gets lucky and meets with a willing woman. They leave and later are having a good go at it in the parked car when a cop suddenly shines a light in their faces. "What do you think you are doing?" asked the cop.
"Well officer, I'm just making love to my wife."
The officer says "Well, I'm sorry, I didn't know."
The man replies "I didn't know either until you shined the light in the car."
A gentleman and his date are attending a cocktail party. The host genially offers them cocktails, and the woman coolly says "I don't drink." So the gentleman gets his drink, and presently the lady is again offered a drink, and the same superior tone says "I don't drink." "For God's sake, please just take a drink and hold it so our host will feel better." says the man.
So the Princess takes a glass, puts it to her lips, and says "Uh! Scotch!"
Maury wanders into the bar, takes a seat and orders a quick double, soon followed by a triple. The bartender notices and says "Hey, fellow. I can't imagine what is so wrong, but you can't drink yourself to death right here in my bar. I'm a good listener. Tell me what happened and maybe I can help."
In tears, Maury starts unloading his pockets of dozens of rejection slips, pink slips everywhere.
"See, no one will take my music seriously - I'm at the end. It's just no good!"
The bartender tries to console him.
"Well look, we have a piano here. Why don't you play something for me" so Maury snivels over to the piano and plays an absolutely fabulous piece.
The astounded bartender says "You mean you wrote that? And no one liked it? I can't understand!" "Oh yes, and lots more, all rejected. I don't think anyone even plays my music."
The bartender thinks it over, and asks "What is the name of that piece?"
Maury answered "I Love You So Fucking Much I Can't Hardly Shit No More."
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus, sits the creature down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus that can play any musical instrument in the world, and that he'll wager $50 with anyone who wants to try and prove him wrong.
The first challenger walks up with a guitar. The octopus starts playing the guitar like Jimi Hendrix, so the guy forks over his $50 and sits down.
Another challenger walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it like Dizzy Gillespie, so that guy sets his $50 on the bar and sits down.
A third challenger walks up with a set of bagpipes and sets them down. The octopus fumbles with the pipes for a minute before dropping them with a confused look on his face. "Aha!" the challenger exclaims, "can't you play it?"
The octopus looks at him and says, "Play it? As soon as if figure out how to get its pajamas off I'm gonna make love to it!"
From Down Under where drunk driving is considered a sport, a true story.
Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local pub. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes. After trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his own car and fell into it. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, tooted the horn then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out and started to drive slowly down the road. The patient police officer started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no alcohol! The officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station. This breathalyzer must be broken."
"I doubt it" said the man "Tonight I'm the designated decoy"
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. After a lengthy examination, the doctor sighed and said, "I've some bad news - you have incurable cancer. You'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked but he composed himself and went to the waiting room where his son was waiting.
"Well son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things are bad. I have cancer so let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. Eventually some of O'Malley's old friends asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley said that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad and that they were drinking to his impending end -- "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave him their condolences, and more beers. Later, O'Malley's son whispered "Dad, I thought you said that you had cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
An Irishman, an Italian and a Swedish guy are in a bar.
The Irishman says "Aye, this is a nice bar, but back in Dublin at MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy you a third drink!"
The Italian says "You think that's great? In Brooklyn at Vinny's, you buy a drink, then Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
So the Swedish guy says "Ja das a nice bar, but I know a better one. You go up to Sven's in Minnesota. At Sven's they buy your first drink, they buy your second drink, they buy your third drink, and then they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" says the Italian. "Thats fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No" replies the Swede "but it happened to my sister!"