Note from Melody: I must warn you that most of Mother's jokes are for adults only, excluding Southern Baptists or prudes of any kind. However, if you are lucky enough to have heard her tell them, these will make you laugh and remember.
A gentleman enters a bar, seats himself on the stool and his Dog sits next to him! The bartender is astounded as the man says "I'll have a beer" and the Dog says "I'll have one too."
The bartender exclaims that he has heard of talking dogs but has certainly never seen one, much less talked with one - what a thrill! The bartender buys a round, then the man buys a round and then the dog buys a round. Presently the man needs to use the restroom, and he is directed up the stairs and first door to the right. In his absence, the bartender says to the dog,
"My relief is usually here at this time of day, and it would be wonderful if we could read and discuss the news!"
"Of course" says the dog. The bartender explains that the newsstand is just at the end of the block and could he just give him a quarter and the dog could go and get a newspaper.
"Certainly" replied the dog. The owner returns and asks where is his dog. The bartender explains that they wish to discuss the news of the day.
The man says, "Oh, I wish you hadn't done that as we are strangers in town and you can imagine my dog is very very valuable, and he might get lost!" The bartender explains that the newsstand is very close, so the man goes after his dog. He passes a small alley and looks down the alley - there is Bruno making mad passionate love to a lovely little lady dog!
"BRUNO!! I have never seen you do this before!"
Bruno replied "I've never had money before!"
Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.
A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" She mentioned this to her Preacher and he said that he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. Perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. The females yelled at the male parrots "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"
One male parrot said to the other "Throw the Bibles away! Our prayers have been answered!
This story surfaces every Thanksgiving, of course. It has the F word and I am always amazed at the number of people who look like something smells when they hear it. The expression is usually followed by a disclaimer - I just love jokes, but I can't remember them; with the unexpressed implication that Refined people wouldn't retain such vulgarisms. I also notice these are usually the same people that can't tell jokes, but generally remain to hear them. Go figure.
The retired school teacher wanted to purchase a pet, so at the pet store she considered puppies, kittens and snakes but finally settled on a beautiful parrot. When she told the proprietor of her decision, he explained "I am sorry, Madam, but I can't sell you that particular bird. You see, before I acquired him, he lived many years with a sea captain who died. So, Madam, he has a terribly crude vocabulary and I could not in good conscience sell him to you, you being such a refined lady and all."
The woman explained that she had taught English for more than forty years and she was confident that she could straighten out a mere bird! So she took Polly home and the first words out of its mouth were "Get me a cracker, You Bitch!"
"Well, Polly, that won't do. Your punishment is into the freezer for 20 seconds." And into the freezer goes Polly, and when she came out she shook herself, but in no time she called out "Gimme that GD cracker NOW Bitch."
The teacher calmly explained that the second offense calls for 40 seconds in the freezer, and in the bird goes. Polly is a slow learner and it took few more explosions and trips to the freezer, but after a particularly long stay in the cooler, Polly spied the Thanksgiving turkey, all dressed and frozen. Polly's comment to the turkey
"My God! What did you say? Fuck?"
Did you ever hear of the optimistic flea who was floating upside down on the river on a leaf shouting "Draw the bridge! Draw the bridge!"
The woman wakes up in bed with an elephant after an especially long cocktail party. As she observes her bedfellow, she says, Boy, I must have been tight last night. The elephant replied with the universal wavey hand symbol and a noncommittal Ummmm.
Three great looking male dogs were waiting in the outer room of Dr. Mike's veterinarian clinic, and they struck up a conversation. The first dog, a big strong German Shepherd said,
"Well, I knew better, and so my master has me here to get me 'fixed', and he says he thinks it will take away some of my energy. This is what happened. My folks were away all day, I got bored and there was this one tile sorta sticking up on the new kitchen floor, so I began to pick at it and investigating with my teeth, and first thing you know it just came right up off the floor! One thing lead to another, and before I knew it, I had destroyed half the floor."
The healthy looking Pomeranian said
"Tough break, and my story isn't so different. My master bought some new Bruno Magli shoes, and that leather smelled so delicious and was so shiny, I just couldn't resist. When my master found me, I had done a pretty good job on one of the shoes, and the next thing I know I'm here for the 'fix' too."
They look toward the sleek smooth Dalmatian and asked him for his story.
"I was in the bedroom and my mistress had just finished her shower, one of my favorite times, and she dropped her towel, and she looked so lovely, all glistening and smelling darn good, I just could not help myself either. I just jumped up and humped her right then and there!"
"My God!" exclaimed the Shepherd. "They're probably going cut your dick clean off!"
"Oh no, fellows. Didn't mean to mislead you. I'm here for a groom job and a manicure."
Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke (it will take a moment to download).
When God was making the world, He bestowed 20 years of normal sex life on man and man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.
Then He called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years, said the monkey, Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said: "May I please have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed.
God then called on the lion and gave him 20 years. The lion too, wanted only 10 years. Again, Man spoke up. "May I have the other 10 years?"
"Of course" said the lion.
Then the donkey was given 20 years but, like the others, 10 years was enough for him. Man again asked for the spare years, and he got them.
This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself.
A farmer had several hundred hens, but no rooster. So he asked his neighbor whether he had a rooster for sale. The neighbor replied
"Yeah, I've got this great rooster, Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Kenny the rooster was very expensive, but the farmer bought him. He took the rooster home, set him down in the barnyard, and gave him a pep talk.
"You've got a lot of chickens to service and you cost me a lot of money so I want you to pace yourself. Take your time and have some fun."
Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and the rooster took off like a shot. - WHAM!-Kenny nailed every hen three or four times, and the farmer was amazed. Then he heard a commotion in the duck pen and sure enough, Kenny was there. Later, he saw Kenny after a flock of geese and again - WHAM! Kenny got all of them. When he saw the rooster out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants at sunset, he began to worry that his expensive rooster wouldn't last 24 hours. Sure enough, he woke the next day to find Kenny on his back, stone cold with buzzards circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shook his head and said,
"Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done."
Kenny raised one eyelid, nodded toward the buzzards circling in the sky and whispered "Shhh, they're getting closer."
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after-life. The biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.
"Is that you, Charlie?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I eat, I have sex. I bask in the sun, then I have sex twice then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex 'til late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Charlie you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch. They flew down to the ground and found a very nice place of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms." They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree said the first one."
"Me either. Let's just lie back here and bask in the warm sun" said the second.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. They fell asleep immediately and a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... (ready?)
"I just love baskin' robins."
Centuries ago a primitive tribe lived on an island with huge prehistoric flying birds. The largest was the awesome Foo Bird. If it flew over and dumped on you, you were a goner! The natives would try in vain to wash off the Foo doo, but they always died. Hapless old Og was walking one afternoon when a Foo Bird flew over and dropped a huge load. Og considered running to the river to wash, but he reasoned that he was going to die anyway, so why not lie down and wait with dignity. But - he didn't die!
The moral is If the Foo shits, wear it!
A local business was looking for office help, so they put a sign in their window saying HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type. The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but he told the dog, The sign also says you have to be good with a computer. The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database and presenting them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded. He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said "Meow."
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace he had was out in the field plowing. One day, his nagging wife brought him lunch out in the field then stayed to berate him. Suddenly, the mule kicked her in the head, killing her instantly. At the wake, the minister noticed that when women offered sympathy, Jake would nod up and down, but when men spoke, he would shake his head from side to side. When it was over and all the mourners had left, the minister asked
"Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and but shake your head side to side to all the men?"
"Well" Jake replied "The women said how nice she looked, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale?' and I shook my head, No."
An old man was staring at a kid with spiked hair in green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The kid said "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" The man replied "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot - just wondering if you were my son."
Juan, a poor man, decided to raise tropical birds. He bought a large toucan only to discover that its care and feeding was very expensive. Juan had to supplement the bird's costly diet with his own inexpensive rice and beans. To his surprise, the bird thrived on the cheap diet. Juan became famous in the annals of bird husbandry when it was discovered that toucan live as cheap as Juan.