Two old ladies are reminiscing on the porch of THE HOME. Ada muses "Wasn't it wonderful when we used to go dancing all the time? I just love dancing and you were so good. Remember how well you waltzed?"
"Oh yes" Dottie said. "And remember the fox trot? Now you were the best at that. And the samba too. And do you remember the minuet?"
After a pause, Ada replied, "God I don't even remember all the men I screwed."
Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club so she knocked on the door of the local club. When a big, hairy, tattooed biker answered, she proclaimed "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that there were certain biker requirements. "You have a bike?" "Yea, that's my Harley over there" the little old lady replied.
He asked "Do you smoke?" and she shot back "Four packs a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker was impressed and asked "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
"No," she replied "but I've have been swung around by my nipples a few times."
Its been a week since services for Hildy's late husband Sam and she feels melancholy. She picks up the urn with old Sam's ashes and gently sprinkles them on the coffee table saying "You know, Sam, how you never bought any jewelry for me? Well look at this lovely diamond bracelet. Like it? And you know how you never would buy us a new car? How do you like the new Cadillac in the driveway? It's the biggest most expensive they had. Great insurance, Sam. And you know that blow job you always wanted, Sam?
Well here it is" and she leans over and puckers...
Bob, one of the older residents at the Happy Home, has discovered that he has a slight discharge where he doesn't want a discharge, so he makes an appointment with his doctor. After an examination, the doctor asked "Bob, do you have a girlfriend?" Proudly, Bob answered "Well yes I do, Doc." "Have you been with her recently" asked the doctor. "A week ago Sunday" was the pleased answer.
Doc advised Bob "I think you just need to go home, you're about to come."
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, griping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled position. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when his wife suddenly smacked it with a spatula.
"Stay out of those" she said. "They are for the funeral."
Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.
Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are people-watching, in the Catskills. "You know," says Sadie, "I've been reading this "Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm; mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about. Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you ever have mutual orgasm?"
"No," says Esther, "I think we had Allstate."
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"
An elderly golfer was searching for a ball into the rough when a frog said "Its to the left of your foot." and there it was. Then it said "If you kiss me, I'll become a 22 year old blonde bimbo." but the golfer picked it up and put it in his pocket. The frog protested "Kiss me, dimwit, I'll be a gorgeous horny bimbo!"
The golfer replied "At my age, you're more valuable as a talking frog."
Mr. and Mrs. Meyer celebrated their wedding anniversary every year in Las Vegas and were well known and liked in the hotel. After dinner, Oscar said that he was tired and was going to the room early, but insisted that Mamie stay and gamble as she loved to do, so off they went. Of course Oscar had a plan. He met up with a beautiful lady of the evening and he rushed to the room figuring on an hour or two before Mamie would be through gambling. SURPRISE - Mamie decided to go to the room after a few minutes. Shortly after, an elderly man was seen falling from a certain window and was recognized as Oscar. Staff rushed to the Meyer room to find Mamie sitting calmly. The manager fairly shouted "Mrs. Meyer, your beloved husband fell from this window to his death! Can you tell us anything?" Mamie answered "Well yes, I threw him out of the window." "Are you saying that you murdered Mr. Meyer?" he asked.
Mamie blithely answered "No, not at all. I figured if he could fuck, he could fly."
Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.
Irving has lost his Sadie after fifty years of marriage, and he is very deep in his grief. His life-long friend Sammy, is trying to cheer him up and suggests that Irving take a cruise. He councils "You should think of a wonderful cruise for a week! Lots of lovely ladies, some maybe lonely, too - you might get lucky!" "Sammy," Irving answered his friend, "You know I get sea sick. I can't go on a cruise." "Irving! Irving! Go to the drug store and buy yourself some dramamine, and - in case you get lucky - buy a prophylactic!"
To the drug store goes Irving where he purchases some dramamine and a prophylactic. Sammy continues his campaigning by telling Irving that he had heard of a man in a similar state of bereavement who took a two week cruise and guess what? He met a rich widow even, and lovely too, and now he is again a happily married man! "Go for the two weeks, Irving, Please!"
So back to the drug store goes Irving, to buy more dramamine and another prophylactic.
Sammy is still pushing Irving "Look at this, Irving! A very special price on a one month cruise! Just think! More opportunity! More Ladies! You have to go for the month's cruise, Irving!" Off to the drug store again.
Finally, the pharmacists speaks to Irving, "Mr. Green, I'm knowing you man and boy for forty years. I have to ask. If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?"
Harry, a seventy-five year old man goes to his doctor for a check-up. As the doctor examines him, he exclaims that Harry is indeed in marvelous shape for a seventy-five year old! "How old was your father when he died, Harry?" asked the doctor.
"Did I say he was dead?" replied Harry." "He is a healthy ninety-two and works at a golf course." "That is wonderful" states the doc. "What about your grandfather's life. How old was he when he died?" "Did I say he was dead?" again comes Harry.
The doctor is now truly astounded.
"Yes," says Harry, "and he is about to be married." "My God! He must be a hundred and twenty or so, and he is planning on being married!"
"Did I say he wanted to get married, Doc?" asked Harry.
Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl: "Nothing but the best for my little kitten." The girl at the cash register said:
"I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought of the most expensive dog cookies. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady:
"That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear: "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Two 90 year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man tells the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!" And so they do. As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks, "My God! If I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God! If I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
An elderly couple are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"
Bessie looks up and says "Sam, what's different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!"
Bessie replies "Should'a bought a hat, Sam."
A hip young man bought the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it cost $500,000. At a red light an old man on a moped pulled up next to him. The old man looked over at the sleek, shiny car and asked, "What kind of car you got there, sonny?"
The young man replied, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," said the old man.
"Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 kilometers an hour!" stated the young man proudly.
The moped driver asked, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replied the owner. So the old man poked his head in, looked around and said "That's a pretty nice car, all right!."
Just then the light changed so the guy decided to show the old man just what his car could do. He floored it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320kph. Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rearview mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whipped by going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead, he saw a dot coming toward him. whhhoooossshhh! It went by again in the opposite direction! And it looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," he thought. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" But again, he saw a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh! Ka-BbblaMMM! It plowed into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumped out, and it IS the old man!!! He ran up to the mangled old man and said, "Omigosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispered "Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
An elderly woman asked the doctor to help revive her husband's sex drive. He suggested Viagra but the woman said "Not a chance, he won't even take aspirin for a headache." "No problem" said the doctor "Just slip it into his coffee then come back and tell me how it went." Some time later, she returned to report "It was terrible, just terrible! "What happened? asked the doctor. "Well, I put it into his coffee and the effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept everything off the table, ripped off my clothes made wild passionate love on the table. It was awful." "Why" asked the doctor. "Wasn't' the sex good?"
"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in twenty five years, but we'll never be able to show our faces in MacDonald's again."
John the actor was somewhat past romantic leads. When his agent called to say that there was a part in a Philly play, John shouted "Wonderful! I'll take it! The agent said "Wait a minute! It's just a one line walk-on." "But I want it" said John. "OK - get a train to the play which is opening tonight and your line is: "Hark the cannon!! Got it?" "Hark the Cannon Hark the Cannon!" John replied and he practiced all the way to Philly. When he arrived, the play had begun and it was time to go on. He was shoved into his costume and onto the stage.
A loud noise ...VAROOM!!!"
John screamed "What the Fuck was that?"
Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.
An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw when the woman decided to warn him of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.
The man replied "That's good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen."
Sex was getting difficult for Jake and Minnie as the years were crowding and he was having a hard time getting it up. So they devised a scheme. If Minnie was plowing the back forty and Jake was working in the barn, and things began to stir in that department, Jake would grab the trusty old shotgun and fire off a couple of shots into the air. This meant for Minnie to come a runnin! The plan worked wonderfully well for several months -- until hunting season arrived.
Damn near killed Minnie trying to tell which gun was Jakes!
At a party an elderly couple was talking to a young couple. The young man said to the old man, "I have heard tell that when you get up in years, you can't have sex anymore." The elderly couple said, "I don't know where you heard that, but we have sex almost every night." "Really?"
"Sure. Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday . . ."
A little boy and his grandfather were raking leaves when the boy found an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. The boy said "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replied "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. Its too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The boy ran into the house and came back with a can of hairspray. He sprayed the worm until it was straight and stiff as a board. The he put it back into the hole.
The grandfather gave the boy five dollars, grabbed the hairspray and ran into the house. Thirty minutes later, he returned and gave the boy another five dollars.
The boy said "Grandpa you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replied "I know, that's from your grandma."
An elderly married couple were having their medical examination on the same day. After the exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any particular concerns?" "In fact, I do" he said. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty but after the second time I'm cold and chilly." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns to discuss?" and the lady said no.
The doctor then asked "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old son of a bitch!" she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does in bed, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have him wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. The handsome young man waves a towel over them as they make love, but it doesn't help. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay" says the rabbi "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "Not yet!"
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "Not yet!"
Finally they ask "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says "When the baby cries!" "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
She says "Because I forgot where I put it!
At age 4....success is....not peeing in your pants.
At age 12...success is....having friends.
At age 15...success is....having a drivers license.
At age 20...success is....having sex.
At age 35...success is....having money.
At age 50...success is....having money.
At age 60...success is....having sex.
At age 70...success is....having a drivers license.
At age 75...success is....having friends.
At age 80...success is....not peeing in your pants
Three old ladies stopped an old man and said "We bet we can tell how old you are."
The old man said "There ain't no way you can guess it."
One of the old ladies said "Sure we can. Drop your pants!"
He did. The three ladies looked at him for a few moments and then the other lady said "Take off your underwear."
The guy dropped his underwear and the old ladies stared at him for a while longer and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing. How did you guess that?"
The old ladies laughed, "You told us yesterday."
Mrs. Jones, a new widow, is at the mortuary with friends viewing her late husband. The unctuous mortician intones "Oh, Mrs. Jones! I am so sorry for your loss! We have spared no expense to make Mr. Jones appear to be merely resting - sleeping, if you will. If there is anything, I repeat anything we can do to make your last moments with your loved one easier, please ask. We will stop at nothing to aid you through this terribly difficult time," "Well, thank you very much for your kindness. Mr. Jones looks fine but there is one small thing" Mrs. Jones remarks.
"Oh, anything - anything, Mrs. Jones. We will spare nothing to make this as easy for you as possible. What can we do to assist you at this sad time?"
She replied "My husband never wore a brown suit, he always wore blue. That little thing would make him look just perfect. Could you do that for me?" "Why of course, Mrs. Jones! You just come back this afternoon and we will have prepared Mr. Jones in the way that would bring comfort to you at this time of such great grief."
"When Mrs. Jones had departed, the mortician cups his hands to his mouth and shouted to the back "Change the heads on numbers nine and ten!"
Click here to hear Dottie tell this joke.
After a fulfilling life with the late Prince, an elderly Cinderella sat in her rocking chair, watching the world go by when her Fairy Godmother appeared. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years? The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was surprised, but after consideration she said "I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and quivered with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother." The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and beautiful again." At once her beautiful, youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings that had been dormant for years. Then the Fairy Godmother said "You have one more wish." Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform my old cat into a handsome young man." Magically, Bob changed and stood before her a man so handsome the like of which neither she nor the world had ever seen. The Fairy Godmother said "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life" and was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella and held her in his young muscular arms.
He blew her golden hair with his warm breath and whispered "I'll bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
A dedicated union member was attending a Las Vegas convention where he decided to check out the local brothels. At the first house, he asked "Is this a union house?" "No" the Madam replied "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, he stomped off in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. Finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."
The man asked "And if I pay $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the UAW man said. He handed her $100, looked around the room and pointed to a beautiful blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
The Madam pointed toward an 85 year old prostitute and said "I'm sure you would, but Ethel here has seniority."
"You mean to tell me that those old ladies in Palm Beach can play 15 bingo cards simultaneously but can't punch a ballot correctly!!"
How do you get a sweet little old lady to say F*ck? You get another sweet little old lady to yell BINGO!
A man visiting his grandfather in the hospital asks "How are you Grandpa?" "Feeling fine" the old man replied.
"How's the food?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Couldn't be better - these young nurses really take care of you." "Are you sleeping well?" "No problem - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock, they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra - and I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and questions the charge nurse. "What are you people doing? I'm told that you give my 95 year old grandfather Viagra. Surely this isn't true." "Oh yes" she replied. "Every night we give him hot chocolate and Viagra which works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
The teenage granddaughter shocked her grandmother by dressing for a date in see-through blouse with no bra. The teenager said "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and went out. The next day she found her grandmother topless. She explained that friends were coming over and that it was inappropriate and embarrassing. The grandmother replied
"Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show your rosebuds, I can display my hanging baskets."
On hearing that her grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained "He had a hear attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh no" her gran replied "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells -- in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused, and wiped away a tear.
"If it wasn't for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."
Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally consented to going out on a date with Morris, the gentleman her daughter fixed her up with. Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot. Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her. Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!" Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"
Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?"
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Super sex! Super sex!"
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. She flipped her gown in front of him and said "Super sex."
He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her.
Then he finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die for. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show....let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Sadie: "Oy! Vey...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress."